My boyfriend of three years and I are planning to be married this year; he’s my first relationship. His previous relationship ended badly, and he hasn’t talked to his ex since.

Recently, he said that he’s never had sex, but the two had fondled each other. The details he described sounded pretty much like sex, to me.

I know it’s odd for us to discuss this three years later, but I had to know. Yet it’s caused me to have serious breakdowns.

I can’t stop thinking about what they did together and I cry for hours. I still want to marry him, but I’m afraid this’ll keep coming up after we’re married.

I know he loves me, but it's not enough. He’s given a part of himself to someone else and I can never have it.

I’m so angry, frustrated, upset, and I can’t change anything.

- Depressed

You can change your reaction by finding out why you were able to be with him for so long, knowing about a previous relationship, if a fully “untouched” past was so important to you. 

Usually, conversations about a desire for virgin marriage happen early on. If you now feel that he deceived you, then it’s your feeling of betrayal you need to confront, rather than having lost a part of him.

But if his past experience will shadow your wedding night and even your marriage, get to a therapist right away. And postpone the wedding, unless you get past this.

You need to decide, realistically, what you can live with, instead of wallowing in tears and resenting him for something he truly cannot undo.

I’m engaged but our two sets of parents don’t get along. Example: The groom’s parents regularly smoke cannabis while the bride’s parents won’t even drink; the groom’s mother is very open about her sexuality and the bride’s parents are very private. 

While I initially didn’t think it mattered, their socioeconomic brackets are significantly different. The stress has pushed the wedding date later and later.

We’re unsure whether our parents will be civil at the wedding. Neither side is financing any aspect of the wedding.

Also, my fiance feels my parents hate him, and I feel that his mother thinks I’m snotty and anti-social.

How often should our parents meet before the wedding (mine live in Europe), and after we’re married?

Any suggestions for wedding-day harmony?

- Seeking Wedding Peace

There’s unusual animosity between these two sets of people who barely know each other, so it’s coming more from the way you two are giving information to them. 

Each of you needs to go to your own parents and say how much you love your chosen partner and why. Then, be clear that you won’t tolerate unpleasant behaviour at your wedding, so if they can’t commit beforehand to being civil, they should please not come.

Try to assure that the wedding plans are neither intimidating for his side nor offensive for yours, but that this is the way you two choose to celebrate the occasion. Alert both sides that if there are problems, you’ll have other relatives walk them right out of the scene.

They need only meet once, before the rehearsal, and at a casual setting with no pressure and no joint discussion of the wedding plans.

After the event, they need never meet (visit them separately) unless they show they can be pleasant in each others’ company.

My friend slept with a guy she met at a bar, on the first night; he moved into her house four days later. He has kids with ex-girlfriends, and constantly fights with his exes. He also had no job at the time, and no post- secondary education. 

I don’t think he’s relationship material for my friend, nor do our other friends. I told her to get out but she won’t listen.

She also now gets drunk (never before).

Should I keep speaking up?

- Worried Friend

There’s no point in giving her advice and criticizing him, if it hasn’t worked so far. It may even push her towards proving her independence from meddling friends. 

Instead, show caring and support by keeping contact, getting together (where there’s no drinking involved) and being available for her to open up.

Beyond supplying some information on staying sober, back off the judgment; this is her choice.