My husband of 24 years was discovered chatting online with a girl half his age. It had gone on for several years before I found out, and was flirtatious at the most. He was defensive at first, but then was repentant.

I still discover conversations that he has with his old female friends, telling them they were to be married, but only if they were married. When I ask about what it means, he says it’s a joke, which I don’t get.

He’s otherwise a wonderful husband and father. I don’t understand his need for this kind of communication.

Yet, he’s very judgmental about other men and women’s behaviour.

I’m hoping you can shed some light on this.

In the Dark

You and he can discover the “light” together. But first, decide how important this is to you and recognize why.

The old flirtation is over, and repented. The so-called “joking” behaviour seems childish, but harmless (likely those female friends don’t get the joke either). He’s not the only middle-aged person to sometimes act foolishly.

But it hasn’t stopped him from being what you yourself describe as a “wonderful husband.”

Nevertheless, you’re confused by it all, and hurt. That’s what you need to tell him. Say that you love him, believe he loves you, and therefore you should both want to avoid hurting each other. His “jokes” are not funny to you; rather they feel like put-downs of your marriage.

You need him to stop.

My adult stepson lives with his mother and her husband. He has frequent contact with his father via telephone and texting, but rarely visits.
My husband has always been very involved in his son's life, and assisted him to pursue a career as a professional athlete.

We’ve continued to help him out financially, and my husband recently aided his securing a career with his employer.
Despite all we do, he shows little appreciation. Invites to our home are turned down in favor of spending time with his mother or girlfriend's family.

Our efforts to celebrate holidays and special occasions together aren’t reciprocated.
When we do see him, he’s often distant and uncommunicative. He’s occasionally been rude and disrespectful to both of us.
Should we continue to be generous and make such efforts when he treats us the way he does?

Fed Up Step-Mom

Even though you’ve been generous and giving as a team, your husband has a different level of emotional connection to his son, so just cutting him off may not be easy for him.

You’ve made a reasonable case for it to me, but this father has to feel comfortable about whatever decision you make together.

There’s also a background story to consider. You haven’t mentioned whether the divorce was messy and how it affected their son.

Nor, perhaps, how difficult the mother’s been, influencing her son through bad-mouthing, to distance him from his dad.

That said, he’s an adult now, and a conversation between father and son is needed.

It won’t be easy, but building more resentment and cutting ties without explanation, is wrong.

He should ask the pertinent questions, without just blaming: Why does his son avoid visits? Why is he angry, as shown when he’s rude?

He may learn that his son has some deep-rooted issues that warrant his talking to a counselor.

Or, your husband may come away feeling more certain about saying you’ve both done enough for this adult son.

Insist they talk first.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man who “Can’t Forget” the woman he dated for four months (Jan. 25):

Reader – “This expectation to connect with someone in all aspects is unreasonable and I think the cause of many splits.

“I’m 65, and with someone whom I met three years ago. I’m happy to have the companionship and sharing what we do connect on, and okay with skipping over things that don't matter.

“I suspect that the widowed woman he was dating got cold feet from the complication of his having his adult daughter living with him.

“It would’ve meant a lot of compromise on her part.

“It meant having to adjust to two people (the daughter needing much nurturing) who are already in a relationship, which this woman hasn't grown into with them.

“I’ve been in this situation and finally bowed out.

“If the daughter’s going to be a long-term live-in, he should look online for someone in the same situation.”