My wife's cousins are always feuding about something or other. Some of it's pretty small stuff, and I can't understand why she gets riled up about it. But some of it is bigger stuff.... one of the cousins has health issues, and the rest of her side is always jumping to her defense even when she's the one being difficult.
We have young twins and are busy enough without this stress. What can I do to convince my wife to let it go and back off from both involvement and caring about these rifts?
She gets "riled up" because of the bigger stuff, and whatever has long been the back-story to the divide in this family. I'm betting that there are old jealousies and competitions at work here, maybe some that go back at least a generation to the parents of these cousins, and perhaps even back to the grandparents.
Understand this, convey your understanding to your wife, and let her vent sometimes without feeling you have to solve or end her problems with her cousins. You can't.
If you feel these feuds are undermining her confidence and/or affecting her relationship with you or your kids, suggest she see a professional to find new strategies to handle the cousins when she has contact with them. Or how to end that contact, if she chooses.
Do NOT present this counselling route as being about her "fault." It's not. It's about making her life more comfortable, something that will benefit your whole immediate family.
I'm beginning to believe that my daughter, 26, is afraid of commitment. She's dated some nice men and introduced me to a few when things looked serious. But soon, there'd be a break up, there was always "something wrong" with the guy, or they didn't accept her working hours, or her involvement with her job.
She's obsessed with her job as a publicist, and I wonder if all her passion goes there and she leaves no room for a real connection with someone. Also, it leaves her little time to try meeting people at new places or by doing new things. She works out at home, not a gym, and considers that where her job takes her is her "social life."
She's beautiful and smart, but I fear she'll wake up at 30 and wonder why she hasn't met someone with whom she can start a family. How can I ask her if she's commitment phobic and recommend therapy for it, without insulting her? We have a good relationship but she thinks I'm obsessed with her getting married.
Now we know where her seeming "obsession" comes from. BUT, just as you're really just a concerned mom projecting ahead, she's a devoted publicist enjoying the present. She's still young, with plenty of time before issues of starting a family need a closer focus... IF that's what she wants for herself.
Her field really does provide a lot of social contacts and networks - different clients, types of products, venues, social events, etc. She just needs to be open to getting to know some of the people she meets, and it's likely some will be interested in dating her.
Meanwhile, back off. Your comments may eventually cause her to put up barriers, not only between you but also with potential dates. Instead, show some interest in her work, praise her for her accomplishments, and enjoy each other as women who aren't always locked into a mother-daughter dynamic.
Me, my boyfriend (nine years), and my close friend were hanging out. She's a recovering alcoholic (two years sober). My boyfriend was having a few beers but ran out. She offered to drive him to his place to get more. I waited at my place.
They didn't return. The next morning I used my keys and found the two naked in bed. He got her drunk but they both swear nothing happened. Is that possible?
When an alcoholic falls off the wagon, anything's possible.... but your boyfriend was at fault: 1) He had no business taking the ride, it was obvious what could happen, and cruel to her to give her drinks. 2) Getting naked on the bed was cruel to you.
After nine years, you already know whether he also drinks too much, and whether he's cheated before. If YES, you've stayed together too long. If NO, third strike and he's OUT.
Tip of the day:
Rifts between extended family are often deep-rooted from earlier causes, not just recent events.