My husband of six years is ten years my senior. He’s helped me with my education, career, and managing my finances. I married at 23.

We had a fantastic time, although both guilty of starting arguments from money - or alcohol - related triggers.

We both wanted an open relationship, having bonded over being rebels.

We never cuddle, sex takes five minutes, and I feel unfulfilled. We’ve been to marriage counselling.

Three years ago he was made “redundant” and found a job abroad. I stayed here as I had a good job. His career move meant A LOT of cash, so he stayed longer. I became depressed and lonely.
When my mother became ill, couldn't pay for medication, we sent money to her. It renewed my faith in him.

Several months ago, I met someone for sex, which is usually okay. But I fell in love. Over six weeks, we spent every weekend together.

I'm now living in another country with my ill mother. My husband said he’d move with me but delayed for his bonus, without firm plans. We’ll have lived apart for over half of our marriage.

I can't stop thinking about this new guy. I haven't told him that I'm married and my husband doesn't know about him. I'm being dishonest to two people who’ve helped me in dark times.
I'm going to be living here for three years so it feels like everything is once again on pause. If I divorce, I lose a husband, his family, and my investment in our home.

Should I try and rebuild my marriage and see how that goes? Or end it now before my husband moves all the way here? I also don't want to break the new guy's heart.

Between Two Men

You already know proven reasons to give your husband another chance. You also know the negatives were mutual. Meanwhile, “New Guy” is unknown, past the early excitement when you were lonely.

Tell him you’re married and will try to work things out with your husband. He’ll have to know soon, and his reaction to your allowing romance to build while married may change the picture. The risk is even stronger if he finds out on his own. Dishonesty to two men could cause you to lose both.

My fiancé and I moved in together six months ago. He’s 33; I’m 31. I knew he was messy, and I’m not perfect myself. We talked about cleaning/mess several times before and after moving. He said he’d keep things cleaner.

While he assists periodically, he has several bad habits -- leaving the bread bag open and exposed, not covering food in the fridge, throwing food and dishes into the sink without care if dishes chip, not soaking dishes, leaving dishes around the house, etc.

After discussing, he’ll apologize and try to clean everywhere, but it doesn’t break bad habits. I’m starting to feel like a nag, and am at my wit’s end. What can I do?

Not His Mom

As his partner, NOT his mom, look at the big picture instead of small stuff.

Hire a regular cleaning person for which he pays half. Insist that he re-purchase any chipped dishes. Buy a soaking bin to keep in the sink. BUT, that’s it for responding to details. Do NOT go around picking up or scraping dishes after him.

If his bad habits persist, alert him he has only one more chance to grow up or go home to the person who spoiled him. And mean it.

FEEDBACK Regarding a man’s cold marriage without any intimacy (Nov. 29):

Reader – “This man’s wife sounds a lot like my wife who was sexually abused by her mom’s boyfriend for many years. Her mom never knew.

“Although in this man’s letter, the wife’s parents are together, there is a strong possibility that sex abuse could be the cause of her sexual disinterest.

“You didn’t suggest that could be a problem in a marriage when the absence of sex is the issue.”
Been There, Done That

Ellie – There are so many factors that could affect a couple’s sex life, that I almost always suggest couples’ and/or individual counselling to try to unearth these and get them aired.

But I do appreciate your raising this possibility, as a partner should be aware of a spouse’s past abuse, it IS a HUGE factor in people’s lives which often does shadow even loving relationships.