I've been withdrawn and depressed due to my recent marital split. I used to be happy, outgoing, and positive. We married shortly after meeting, but lasted only months.

I thought we had love, trust, and communication. However, I gave more than he did. He took me for granted and took advantage.

He was very ill when we married, and I cared for him alone. Yet he was abusive in every form. I tried to forgive him, but realized he was using his sickness to make me stay. I got tired of it, left him, and we separated immediately.

I feel so betrayed and scared to ever consider another person. Family and friends are suggesting I start dating again soon.

I had good intentions and acted kind with this man and loved him but all he did was hurt me. It might happen again. Where do I go from this point???

Chicago

Answer these questions, internally: 1) Do you now recognize that marrying so soon did NOT give you time to really know this man? 2) Do you understand that you misguidedly romanticized his need for you as instant love?

If you can say YES twice, you can stop being afraid, because you won't repeat this pattern of falling for someone without being certain of mutual trust, respect, and caring.

If you cannot say YES, get counseling. You rushed in, and took hard knocks emotionally. You need time to heal and should also probe what made you so vulnerable to his neediness and abuse.

Meanwhile, there's hope for your future. You were self-protective enough to know when to leave this man. It's a show of inner strength, which means you should be able to shake your depression, as soon as you face what really happened in this hurried relationship.

My father's close cousin, who lived far away, had three children but no lasting partner. Several years ago, she lost her job, her house, and her grip on reality. She stopped paying her bills, had hallucinations, and paranoia.

My dad convinced her children to get her admitted to a mental health facility. She lost disability/ unemployment support because she didn't fill out reports, etc. After her release, she stayed in a shelter awhile, and then went "missing."

Two of her children have moved away and the other doesn't want to be contacted.

Recently, I moved very close to where she lived. My father came and found her, sleeping in her old backyard for two weeks, because she'd locked her keys in her car. I feel compelled to help her, however I don't have much money and live in an apartment.

She seems in a better state mentally, just has no money and no idea for getting back on her feet. What can I do to help her yet ensure that my life isn't hugely impacted?

Concerned

You're already "impacted" because you have the good character to feel compassion, and honour your father's family tie.

Contact the local social services department and go personally to gather information.... you need to know the requirements for welfare or unemployment and disability support plus what's available re: housing help. Your father must decide how much financial help he can give her for setting up living.

You can make regular visits weekly, plus phone contact to see that she stays on track, or get her to other supports if she falters.

You'll have to draw your own limits. But a sincere outreach and periodic involvement will not constrain your life, and instead, will enrich it.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose mother responded to all her daughter's events, into being about her (Aug. 29):

Reader - "I have some personal connection to this problem. Her mother's tendency to want to turn everything into being about her may stem from a slight narcissistic personality disorder. It does not mean the mother is being selfish; rather that she needs constant feedback from everyone around her to maintain her own identity.

"The daughter might benefit from reading up on this personality type in order to understand her mother a bit better. This letter rang a few bells for me. And if I had understood my own mother better, we would have had a better relationship."

Regret Not Understanding

Knowing the roots of someone's behaviour is always helpful, but layman's diagnosis can be misleading or wrong. This mother's unlikely to change. But adult children can react differently, even without a specific label.