I’m not a happily married man and unfortunately, cannot leave my marriage because of my two young kids.
I have a lady friend with whom I’ve always felt the connection. She feels the same way. Recently, we both admitted to being unhappy in our marriages. However, that doesn't mean she’ll leave her marriage either.
She’s given me some signals, which I believe are a hint to take our friendship to the next level.
But, whenever I return similar hints or try to talk to her, her first reaction is to ignore. As a result, I feel insulted and don't contact her for a few days. Then, she’ll talk to me as if she’s been missing me the most.
I love her very much and cannot get her out of my mind. How do I know what she has in her mind? I don’t have the guts to ask her straight, as I’m afraid to lose her as a friend.
Stop playing out a fantasy. If she wanted to have an affair - which, be honest with yourself, IS the “next level” between two people who are married to others – she’d respond to your hints.
She may not be happy at home, but she’s only comfortable with friendship and light flirting.
Meanwhile, you’re escaping in your head from your marriage, by imagining far more.
IF you’re truly committed to your two young children, put some real time into examining why your marriage isn’t happy.
It may’ve been a marriage of convenience, or of family influencing you; or you and your wife, like many other couples, let yourselves lose the connection you once had.
Marital counselling may help, and/or individual counselling for yourself may help you know what’s missing and why.
At that point, you can decide what you’re willing to do – stick it out unhappily for years and raise kids in that environment, or recognize that you two can improve the relationship if you both try.
For the real sake of your kids, I encourage you to take these steps.
I have an adult nephew, 52, living with me. He behaves like a teenager. He takes pills, smokes cigarettes and marijuana, and ignores my wishes that he not smoke in his bedroom. The smell gravitates everywhere, sometimes making me feel ill.
He pays me rent and towards groceries, so I feel guilty about not wanting him to live with me.
He’s a diabetic, but doesn’t take care of his health.
He has a bad temper sometimes, and also asks for money when he runs out.
Do I call the police to take a look at his room, and put him out? Or just tell him to go? Or, tell my housing company that I’m taking him off the lease?
I also thought of moving somewhere better and let my housing company deal with him.
Be direct (unless you fear for your safety from his reaction).
Say this: You can’t tolerate smoke in the house, period. You can’t afford to give him money. Living together isn’t working, and he needs a different plan.
Suggest that he makes a separate arrangement with the housing company or finds a cheaper room elsewhere.
However, if you have serious fears about his temper, talk to the housing manager first in case the solution lies there. Also, check if any other relatives will help you find him another place.
Police will not likely intervene unless you feel threatened, in which case, involve them.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman wondering whether to join her relocated fiancé when she’s unsure of easily getting a job there (July 19):
Reader – “I wonder why the man agreed to accept the new position in spite of the dilemma it poses to his future wife. Is the bigger issue not about how the two of them negotiate jointly, rather than whether SHE should choose between man and career?”
Ellie -A good question, but one for which only they know the answer. They obviously both liked the new location because they’d already bought a new home there together, so that must’ve been a joint decision. Especially so, since she said she’s eager to live there with him right after they marry, and also wanted very much to be with this “wonderful” man, as she described him.
While she was insecure about getting a next job, she wasn’t emotionally attached to her current workplace… only to her fiancé.
Tip of the day:
Escaping an unhappy marriage through an illicit affair doesn’t give your children a happier environment.