Ellie Saturday March 2, 2024

Today marks the beginning of a new and exciting adventure for me: After nearly 23 years of answering readers’ relationship questions, I’m pivoting my column to something new. Now, every Saturday in the Toronto Star, I’ll do a deep dive into a particular issue that so many of us face over time, and sometimes in totally unexpected situations, such as, deep love, painful loss, jealousy, resentment, and in-law clashes. And I’ll use the expertise gleaned from my decades talking to readers about how best to handle each situation as it arises.

First, my sincere thanks to all of you for reading my column over the past years . . . and more recently, for reading my daughter Lisi’s popular advice column, in the tradition of famous advisers (the late Ann Landers and her sister, Dear Abby) whose daughters also entered the advice field.

Together with you, my dear readers, we’ll examine emotion-packed events and choices which are often faced privately, and, too often, alone.

I’ll also introduce you to some of the very interesting people I’ve been talking to for future columns. Along with a range of experts, I’ll explore how certain factors in individuals’ lives have shaped their past, present and future.

Speaking of the past, one of my earliest introductions to the advice field came through my daily exposure to people’s real-life personal problems expressed in my father’s small, local drugstore where I’d hang out after school. He understood that many new immigrants couldn’t afford doctors (this predated socialized health care), so he helped them as best he could.

Years later, having majored in sociology at the University of Toronto, and worked with the Children’s Aid Society, I felt ready to look more deeply into how people were affected not only by their personal history, but by their relationships as well.

The day I learned that Ann Landers had unfortunately passed on, I asked the Star’s then-publisher, the late John Honderich, what he thought about my writing a new “Ellie” advice column. He launched the project by having my photograph appear larger-than-life and pasted onto the sides and backs of many Metro Toronto buses! It’s been a great ride.

Now I’d like to share something personal: Just over a year ago, I had a sudden and unexpected health scare that required me to make a serious, life-altering choice, one that truly came from my heart. A benign tumour, called a myxoma, which had settled itself inside my heart. I had to decide whether to “wait and see” how dangerous it was, or instead, undergo open-heart surgery to remove the “intruder.”

I chose life and every day since, I still feel that I experienced a miracle.

That experience is now part of my motivation to explore the many ways that people can face their own dilemmas, new challenges, and even overcome persistent roadblocks in their lives.

For example, I’ve heard from readers about families who choose to be estranged, some even supporting sibling rivalry between their children, especially as they become adults.

I’ve also heard about some divorced mothers who tell their youngsters that their father’s new partner is a “witch,” setting up discord, anger and resentment in their own children. And vice versa, where the father paints his ex in a bad light.

I’ve witnessed the toxic culture in some racist situations wherein the elders in a family diminish and demean an “outsider” who’s married to one of the family’s adult children.

Then there are the mental challenges presently faced by many young people, who feel sidelined from their own futures, and haunted by the memory of having had to endure the isolation of COVID.

I’ve learned for myself as well as others, that we can all do better.

The years of answering your letters, and of you, the readers, letting me into your lives, have given me the strength, concern and professional contacts to tackle the root causes of persistently destructive relationship issues. Thank you to the many readers who have shared with me your very personal experiences, many never-before revealed. I still feel honoured by your trust.

My goal is to help you remember that you each have agency in your own life . . . we are not our mothers, fathers, or siblings, even if we may have always loved and admired them. We are ourselves and can make the best of our lives.

My heart goes out to you all. Choose life. See you back here next Saturday.