I’m a single woman, 36, who recently went out with girlfriends and met a man at a bar.
He started sending signals of interest from the minute our eyes met. He was soon buying me drinks along with his.
I’ve been single for awhile and was ready for a sexual encounter. I’m divorced, have no kids, and am an independent woman.
When we got to “his place,” he said his friend who’s away on a course, let him stay there because he’s in the midst of moving.
I specifically asked him if he was married or involved with anyone. He said No.
Then he started grabbing and kissing me immediately.
I didn’t expect anything beyond the one night. He’s mid-30s, I knew little else about him. Everything was fine, we both had a good time.
But after, he wouldn’t look at me as I was leaving. I’d seen his credit card when he paid for my drink, so I looked him up on Facebook.
He’d lied to me.
I learned that he’d gotten married jus a few months ago, that he and his wife already have a child, and are expecting another.
I was sick and disgusted. I’d never have gone with him if I’d known that he was married. I feel so badly for his wife.
Why do people cheat when they already have someone they love enough to marry? How can they risk the effects that cheating and sex with a stranger can have on their kids?
Feel badly for yourself, too. You and he both came away from that event feeling crummy.
While some readers will place their moral outrage on your readiness for a one-night stand, you are an adult, unattached woman, free to make that choice.
BUT IF you can’t handle negative consequences – which seems obvious - you need to avoid them.
In this case, your judgment was off. You accepted the word of a man you didn’t know at all.
Turns out, he’s a skunk. He knew he was cheating on a woman who’s his very recent bride, and who’s expecting their second child.
But he’s still behaving like a single guy free to drop his pants with a stranger.
I say it’s a sad encounter for both of you. And one that should tell you more about yourself, too.
If you feel disgusted by cheaters, you need to get to know a potential sex partner beforehand.
Married or attached people can’t cheat without willing partners.
FEEDBACK Regarding dealing with volatile family members (April 14):
Reader – “My heart goes out to the grandmother and her son. Their hands are tied, at the mercy of the child's mother. This family’s missing out on so much love and joy.
“I encourage Grandma to always send cards for birthdays, Christmas, etc., with a return address and phone number, but no gift since the mother would throw it away.
“Someday, the child may try to reach out to her.
“Unknown to the mother, I suggest buying a government bond each year in the boy’s name, or opening a bank account and depositing in it every month, for his future.
“When he grows up (teenager, or older) and wants to meet his father and his grandmother, they can show him that they never missed a gift for any special occasion.
“Grandma, you and your son both need to seek help.”
My niece and I always visited my sister and her husband annually, six hours’ away.
My sister’s now a widow at 87. Our last visit was very disappointing. I’m also a widow of 20 years. She’s my only sibling left.
Her first comment was "You have the same jacket as me." The second night, she said we’d be having dinner at a restaurant.
Once there, she said she’d pay for the niece but not for me.
I felt that since we were invited to dinner it was up to her to pay.
Am I wrong? She’s financially able to pay. I pay for my niece when we travel.
I’m not sure I want to go that distance again. I do love her dearly.
She’s experiencing major changes, just as you must’ve done when widowed. Her age, loss, and perhaps fears for her financial security long-term are affecting her. Keep loving and visiting her.
Tip of the day:
Casual sex isn’t so casual if you can’t handle the consequences of helping someone cheat.