I’m a well-read, well-informed African American pursuing an acting career and business interest. 

As a child visiting relatives in the South, I witnessed the cotton fields filled with black people, the water fountain for “Coloured” only, and my great-grandmother saying “yes, sir” and “no, sir” to men 50 years younger.

I’m a patriot who’d protect my country against all who’d cause it harm. But I often feel bitterness and resentment of the treatment my family and others endured during my lifetime, by those who’d try to prevent my people from reaching their goals.

Because our forbearers were prevented in so many ways from building a legacy, many black people live without prosperity.

I can understand the rage and hate of some people out there. I think sometimes other people can feel this in me, and I don’t want to damage current relationships or hinder new ones.

How can I move beyond resentment?

- Concerned in Chicago

Your pain over injustice to African Americans is understandable, but current events have brought some dramatic progress that can make you and every American proud and optimistic. 

Many different groups have suffered some form of racism, and unfortunately, some prejudice will likely continue in some form or another, past our lifetime. But you must look forward with a positive attitude and not allow this treatment of your family to impede your own efforts.

Work for change in whatever small way you can.

As so many African Americans said on President Barack Obama’s Inauguration Day, “Look how far we’ve come!”

You never expected to see a Black man elected as president in your lifetime. This couldn’t have happened if he did not get strong support from white voters, so the world IS changing and you must see this as a very positive development.

Do not allow hatred to consume you.

My mother-in-law is a devout Christian and we’re not. We don’t impose our beliefs on her, but the respect isn’t reciprocated. Every chance she gets with our daughter, she pushes her beliefs. 

When our daughter stayed there for a week, she was pressed with religious stories, songs and saying prayers at night. It was very confusing and foreign to my daughter at age 4 and 5. She told me (without my prodding) that she wishes her grandmother would stop talking about Jesus and God.

My husband is reluctant to act because religion is very important to his mom. What’s appropriate behaviour for all of us?

I’ve tried to explain to my daughter that some people believe in different things. We also stress that one person’s viewpoint is not better than another. She’s now 6 and able to understand a little better.

- Your Help?

Tolerance for others is one of the most important beliefs you can teach a child, and there’s no better place to start than with her grandmother. 

She’s not going to change. But YOU can plan ahead, and also change your reactions.

Structure your daughter’s exposure to your MIL, convey compassion and respect for an elder’s religious devotion, and gradually teach your daughter about more approaches to faith and cultures beyond your own.

You shouldn’t be using Grandmother as a babysitter for extended periods (or anyone else whose beliefs you don’t want pushed at your child).

Visit your MIL as a family; when religion is raised as a topic, gently change the subject.

As your daughter matures - and if you’ve given her the grounding for having her own strong convictions – you can relax about Grandmother’s influence.

My ex-husband’s wife of many years is an interesting woman; we’ve both said that had we met another way, we’d be friends. 

However, she wasn’t a great stepmother to my youngest son with whom she clashed. He still feels (correctly) that she has excluded him from his father’s life, so I have difficulty being as friendly as she is when we meet on family occasions.

Now she’s asked me to work on a volunteer project she’s heading, which interests me. How should I respond?

- Uncertain

Talk to your son about the project and your interest, and ask his feelings about your working with his stepmother. You don’t want him to feel emotionally betrayed by your aligning yourself with her, especially if there’s still bad feeling between them. 

If you’re still keen, consider offering some background help on the project that won’t have you dealing directly with her very often.