My boyfriend and I are in our early and mid-20s, and we’ve been dating for over two years. 

We feel ready to move in together, but he’s afraid to approach his mother about this. She’s very religious and opposed to unwed people living together. She also wants him to marry a Catholic girl in a Catholic church.

He thinks she’s being ridiculous (so do I) but he doesn’t want a confrontation, nor to leave on bad terms.

His mother’s widowed and doesn’t have a lot of friends. I understand his concerns, but I’m worried that he’ll never be able to stand up to her.

Ellie, he’s not even “allowed” to come over to my house for a single night. Do you think he’ll get over his fear of her wrath?

- Shaky Future

I’m hoping that your guy is feeling some respect for his mom’s right to her beliefs, and not just what you describe as “fear.” 

The fact that you both consider her depth of religious feelings as “ridiculous” helps to explain her discomfort with your attitudes (and maturity). While he doesn’t have to follow her beliefs, he seems to want to find a way to maintain their relationship, while advancing yours. That’s a good thing, which you, too, should appreciate. He’s trying to be a good son. Support him in this by going slow and getting to know his mother.

She’s lonely, so spend some time with her as a couple. Help her see that your relationship is a good one and that her son will not be lost to her, even if he leaves her church.

I’m 24, and my husband, myself and our three kids moved in with his parents this year to try to save money for a house. 

Previously, our oldest, age 4, would be with them seven days a week, and we wouldn’t see her. It’s like this even though we live in the same house. She doesn’t listen to us when we say No, runs to her grandparents to constantly get Yes.

We’ve told them she needs to spend time with us and listen to us but they don`t do anything about it. It hurts me and her dad that she wants nothing to do with us.

What can we do to change this and get our daughter back, and stop this from happening to our youngest two?

- Frustrated

Your daughter didn’t walk over to her grandparents’ home by herself. You allowed them to come get her, or you took her there every day, likely for free babysitting. It was your responsibility to determine if this frequent contact was affecting your relationship with her. Now you’ve entrenched the attachment, again by relying on these people. 

Since you can’t get them to change, it’s up to you. Reconsider your move, and weigh whether it’s better for you to live on your own longer and delay buying a house, or to accept their involvement.

If the finances are impossible, get everyone to a family counsellor for the child’s sake. You’ll need professional help to get his parents to understand that their constant indulgence is a set-up for behaviour problems… with them, as well as you.

I’m 14; my mother embarrasses me every evening when telemarketers call. She yells something nasty or hangs up when they’re still talking.

- Rude Mom

It’s hard to remember that telemarketers are just doing their job, when they call during busy times. Offer to answer yourself; just promise Mom you won’t say yes to anything. 

My husband of 30 years is verbally abusive. He watches my every move when I cook. 

If I open the oven door frequently he has a fit. The same thing at dinner, if I salt my food.

If I drop something on the table, verbal abuse again. He never picks up crumbs, he kicks them.

I work full time. He’s retired and never home.

- Leave Him?

Consider the difference: Verbal abusive is demeaning, affects self-esteem, and is a crude attempt at holding power. Bickering is annoying, frustrating, and reflects more of a power struggle. Decide what’s really happening.

If it’s abuse, and he won’t discuss it or stop, get going. If it’s bickering to gain some power because he’s no longer productive, ask yourself if it’s worth your leaving.

It may be possible, instead, to show some understanding about the new situation and find other ways for him to still feel important.