My son is 40 and has been going out with a girl for almost 12 years. She's from a different religion. She's part of our family, known to all our relatives and friends, and has attended family functions as a family member.

But she has not introduced him to her family. We talk to her about their future plans but don't get an answer. She's smart, educated, and professional, and we like her very much.

Confused Father

Sometimes, no answer is your answer. She clearly likes your family as you like her, so doesn't want to offend you. But she also clearly has a problem with her own family, about marrying out of her religion.

After 12 years "going out" together, they are certainly a committed couple, but just not committed to what you might expect or prefer, which is marriage. Also, when a son is 40 years old, it's hard to insist or even urge that he follow your wishes.

Since they seem comfortable with their arrangement, and your family all like and respect her, end the "confusion" that's bothering you somewhat. Continue to treat her as family, as she likely has enough pressure and tension from the other side and appreciates your acceptance.

FEEDBACK More regarding the mother-in-law who complains that her daughter-in-law is messy and "rarely picks up after herself, her husband, or even her kids" (April 2):

Reader - "My household is also messy, most of the time, but I try to keep my head above water, and if someone's coming to visit, I clean and make everything tidy.

"Her daughter-in-law works. When both my husband and I were working full-time, with three young children, we had a hard time keeping up with household chores. Your suggestion of the mother-in-law offering to help was right on the spot.

"Household chores should be completed by everyone in the household, the husband and children, too. Even a 2-year-old can be taught to pick up toys before bedtime, and the other chores should be split 50/50 between the husband and wife.

"Don't put the whole blame on the wife."

Ellie - This question certainly struck a nerve with so many of you that I include this second feedback to reveal that sometimes the message in my answer gets skewed by personal interpretation (most likely coming from readers' own experiences of a similar difficulty).

My strong suggestions in this case were directed to the MIL to help out in this busy household, and also keep her criticisms to herself. PLUS get her son to hire cleaning help (since both husband and wife work, it's affordable).

It's the MIL who believes her daughter-in-law is "not domestic"... not me. I recommended helping out with her DIL's work/driving schedule by inviting the family for a weekly meal, or dropping off a cooked dinner regularly, for them to re-heat.

THEN, an appreciative DIL might even discuss "domestic" matters with her. That's not blaming the wife - it's developing strategy for harmony between the two women.

My experience as TV host/advisor in in-law conflicts taught me this: Good in-law relationships are developed by NOT reacting when the older generation thinks differently. That can mean sometimes showing interest in things that matter to the other person, to form a connection.

Similarly, the senior in-laws have to acknowledge the many pressures on young families and not add to them with criticisms stemming from how they once handled things, in a different time.

My husband's brother married a woman who's "changing" him completely. He can no longer go to the bar with his brother and their friends, and he can no longer dress the way he likes.

Worse, neither his sister's family nor ours can visit their place, because she's made it into a "show-house" for their art. So she makes a point that our children aren't welcome.

We're all stunned at this selfishness. I'd like to say something to her about it, but my husband says it'll make her cut us all off completely.

Your Thoughts?

Your brother-in-law is neither mute nor helpless. He's apparently accepted her decisions as suiting him in this new union, or he loves her and doesn't want to rock the boat.

IF you think he's being abused and forced into these changes, then all the more reason you need to stay connected so he can one day reach out to you.