When my ex and I were separating, I wrote some nasty letters; it was the anger, hurt, and frustration I was dealing with then. It's 23 years later; we've put our differences aside and become friends.

Recently, he told me he'd let go of it all, then said he'd filed those letters away. I asked why. Answer: he just had to. I replied that he hadn't let go of the past or he wouldn't be hanging onto those letters. He insists he's moved on, he's just keeping them. What do you say, Ellie?

Curious

I say, Back Off. He has his reasons. Going after him to explain his feelings about that difficult time, could make those old "differences" divide you again.

Your way of dealing with anger was to lash out; now you're still in attack mode, because you disagree with what he's doing. His style is to keep a reminder of those times, in case he needs it. I repeat: back off, if you want to stay friends.

I'm in an inter-racial marriage (Chinese and German) with two kids, 12 and 10. My in-laws live in Germany. I lived there early in our marriage, and we didn't get along. My German isn't fluent enough to communicate well. We have no common interest. They always made plans for us according to their own interest.

Four years ago we took the kids back, stayed at their place, and I found their house rules very annoying.

My husband will take the kids to Germany this summer. I'm struggling with whether I should go. We'll live in separate apartments this time. I'd like to spend family time with my husband and kids but I'm afraid the same old scenes will recur.

Anticipating

History WILL repeat itself if you go there expecting it. You and your husband need to plan ahead, if you want to share in this time of travel and family connection.

A separate apartment is a good start. Now pre-plan some activities for the kids, who are at a great age to appreciate learning about their father's background culture - a city tour, train ride into the country, boat trip, music, theatre, the zoo, plus some of their Dad's nostalgia excursions. Your in-laws may not join in everything, and that's okay, you shouldn't be obliged to be together every minute.

Meanwhile, there's enough time to get a conversational German language book and all of you practice some basic greetings and the words for daily needs, before leaving.

However, if you can't see yourself relaxing enough to enjoy the trip and accept your in-laws, stay home. It'd be unfair to your husband and the kids - as well as to yourself - to be present but behave like you don't want to be.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young husband with little interest in sex (Nov. 5 column):

Reader - "He may have married the wrong woman, or be stressed by responsibilities, but it could also be a medical condition.

"I had a slow-growing pituitary tumour that caused many symptoms, including this man's low libido, and was misdiagnosed for 15 years. After the tumour was removed, my hormone levels, and life, returned to what they should have been."

Been There

Thanks for sharing this important reminder that things that seem very unusual, usually are. When there's no other explanation for a diminished interest in sex, and the relationship isn't causing the problem, a medical check is a crucial step to rule out any developing illness.

My son's wife has a very high-powered job in a demanding corporation. His work's important too, but more self-directed.

My son ends up covering for her with the kids.... leaving work early to take them to activities, having dinner with them without their mom around. We're also called on a lot, to give the kids dinner when our son's busy, or for sleepovers, etc.

It seems like everything revolves around my daughter-in-law. Is that healthy?

Worried

Healthy for whom? If your son and his wife are comfortable with their decisions, and their children are doing fine, who's suffering here?

If you feel you're being asked to help out too much, say so. They can probably afford paid babysitting but wanted the kids to be with family when possible. Make sure you're not just being judgmental. These are two successful parents living their lives as they choose together... and that's their business.