I'm a male (40's) who's made a decision and it's nobody's business except mine. I decided to have nothing to do with my father. I no longer want to put up with his behavior towards me. He's 76 and will never change.

He was the unwanted "honeymoon" child of poor immigrants; a younger brother was the favourite who made him feel worthless. He's repeated the same pattern towards me (not as severely). He's selfish and self-centered, was never there for me as a child growing up. Sure there were good times, but also bad ones:
1. He coached the opposing team, not the one I played on, though there was no family member on that team.

2. He'd verbally abuse me but was never like this to my brothers.
3. Whenever I walked into a room to get a magazine or newspaper that I wanted to read, he'd grab it first.

4. When angry (nothing to do with me), he'd take it out on me, never my brothers. He'd be mean and put me down in front of others.
5. He always put strangers ahead of his family.

6. When I was a teenager and owned a 10-speed bike, I had to keep it in my room because he'd otherwise trip on it in the garage and blame me for his carelessness.

7. A few years ago we took a driving trip; I was hoping for bonding. He met a similar-aged woman traveling the same route and left me to spend time with her, though he's married.

8. Now older, he has no patience. His criticism of me has increased. He tells me to shut up, or screams.

We did go to family counseling in 1979. My father also never treated my mother well and cheated on her when she was sick.
She's always been supportive and a great mother - the one who'd buy clothes and stuff for us.

I now have my own family, a beautiful wife, and wonderful child, age six. The pattern ends here. We no longer go over to my parents' home - my decision.
I don't let my family see my father, and he's not welcome in my house.
The only time my son gets to see my father is if we're at a family gathering elsewhere. My mother's always welcome in our home, and sees my child as often as she wishes, outside of her home.

Finished

Your story's not over yet. While it's sometimes necessary to cut ties with someone who's behaviour is toxic to you, it's also necessary to learn how to live with your past.

And that's particularly difficult, when the emotional pain comes from a parent.

You've vented here, in a much longer letter you expected to be published. Yet you mentioned this was "nobody else's business." Well, it IS your mother's business and your wife's and son's. You cannot control the effects on them.

Your mother will likely need your help as your father ages and his behaviour to her becomes more difficult. Your son will one day question why you were able to "discard" your own father.... and he may test you with his own behaviour.

Besides distancing yourself, you need to discover what you can accept and understand, to get past your own hurt and anger. Go for individual counseling and stay with it until you no longer care so much that you need to justify all your feelings going back to childhood.

My five-year-old attends a Saturday morning soccer program where he's learning some skills, drills and has some fun. One father, who also takes his son there, never looks up from his Blackberry, even though the boy is showing the most progress.

Recently, he went to where his dad was sitting, was ignored, so grabbed his teddy bear, and then went back to kicking the ball while holding the toy!

I find it so sad that I'm tempted to talk to the father about it, but fear he'll just be mad at me for intruding.

Uncomfortable Witness

Lead by example. Be vocal about encouraging your own son, especially when he joins you. When appropriate, turn to the father and compliment him about how well his son is doing.

But do not be openly critical. It could easily backfire such that the father won't bring the boy again, which would be the worst result.