I recently cheated on my fiancé. I think it was because I’d caught him cheating several times in the past. Since we got engaged, I’ve been thinking about his past transgressions more and more.
He found out, and I confessed. I felt horrible and sought out a counsellor to determine why I’d done this.
Even before my first session started, I found proof that he’d been cheating on me for eight years – that is, our entire relationship. When I confronted him, he initially denied it, but eventually admitted to multiple affairs.
He says he won’t do anything stupid again, and continually raises the fact that I was unfaithful, too.
I know I was wrong and there’s no excuse, but I messed up that once, while he's exhibited a consistent pattern of behavior. I feel like, if I forgive him yet again, I'll end up having to deal with divorce and custody issues in the future.
Do I cut my losses now, sell the house, and start from scratch? Or do I give him yet another chance?
The counsellor is helping me vent my anger and sadness, but I'm so indecisive about whether to stay or go.
Just So Lost
Sell the house. It’ll give you something concrete to focus on, instead of the fizzy thinking that a serial cheater can change. You were wrong to also cheat, but unlike him, you’ve been pro-active in taking blame for it and getting help.
Selling the house will be a step towards the opportunity to create a different narrative for your future, that doesn’t have divorce and custody issues looming ahead.
Stick with the counselling. Learn more about why you chose this guy and stayed with him through all his reckless disregard of your feelings and the relationship. You already know why you cheated… because the guy, who was supposed to love and hold you in highest regard, did not.
The man I’m dating has obvious insecurities. He realizes his tendency to be a little insecure when I’m around other men.
When the issue comes up and he accuses me of lying, cheating, or wanting to be with another man, I try to explain that nothing of the sort happened or even crossed my mind.
What insults me is that he still doesn't believe me. This makes me feel very upset, but I don't want to get into an argument about the fact he’s calling me a liar and a cheat.
What would be the best way to avoid this senseless argument? Should I ask him to leave, or is there a statement I can say to stop it?
Say Goodbye. He isn’t just “a little insecure.” He’s a raving controller, obsessed with jealousy, and extremely insulting.
He puts you down by calling you a liar and cheat, and he always will since this is about his anger and distrust of women.
You won’t end this with a word to stop, since honesty and logic are already having no effect. His accusations and distrust will only get worse, and he may well get physical if you stay together.
Even when you call it off, he’ll say this is proof you have someone else. So make sure you’re protected when you end it. Have someone with you, go home to family, or if you have no supports, contact a shelter for women if necessary.
If that sounds extreme, look at what you wrote: His behaviour is extreme.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year and things are going great. I love him so much and feel that I can marry him one day.
There is just one problem: He’s a Muslim Jamaican and I’m Italian Catholic. And both our parents do not approve.
They both agreed that we each should find someone of our own race and religion.
But I cannot imagine what I’d do without him. He’s been a huge part of my life. What should we do?
Desperate for Him
Think through whether you can handle not having a relationship with your parents. Have him do the same about his parents.
Look deeper at each other’s belief systems and cultures and see if you’re comfortable living with some of those elements if you married. (Neither necessarily has to “convert” but both do have to respect the others’ faiths).
Weigh all this over six months. Then, make your decision.
Tip of the day:
A serial cheater won’t change pattern easily, especially if blaming others works.