FEEDBACK Regarding the young woman pursuing a relationship with her step-father (September 20):
Reader #1 – “As a child of a mother and step-father who divorced, I felt pressure from my mom and her family to not have a relationship with him. So I didn't, and I regret it.
“Is this teenager perhaps "using" her step-father for driving lessons? Maybe. But teenagers usually "use" most of the people around them for something.

“That doesn't mean she doesn't get something out of that relationship - some chatting, advice, a bond with a father figure that might help her in the future.

“If he was a good step-father, why should she cut him off because her mother isn't comfortable about it?
“It’s very difficult when you’re a teenager and two adults put you in the middle of their problems and make you choose.

“She should be able to live with her mother and then occasionally meet her step-father for lunch or driving lessons or whatever. If her mother’s jealous or insecure with those meetings, then, that’s her mother's shortcoming.

“I see this situation from both angles as the daughter of a twice-divorced mother and a mother of young children now.

“We shouldn't begrudge our children their healthy relationships with other adults even if we don't want to have a relationship with that adult.

“Not to mention that forbidding a teenager to do something may just result in her doing it behind her mother's back and/or resenting her mother.
“I really wish that I hadn't bowed to my mother’s pressure to cut my stepfather out of my life. Their problems were between them. He was a good stepfather to me.

“I didn't deserve to lose a good male father figure in my life at a pivotal time.

“My mother used to also say that she was the one who fed and clothed me, so my allegiance should be with her. I think that’s a manipulative thing to say to a young person. Of course you love your mother but that doesn't mean you should give up important relationships.”

Ellie – Regarding your own story, I hope there’s still an opportunity for you to contact this man and tell him what you’ve expressed here.

If not, appreciate who he was in your life and his role in your understanding of healthier non-manipulative relationships with your own children.

The letter I’d received was from an older teen (evidenced by the 10-year marriage, “almost 10-years” post-divorce, and her being the child from a previous union.)

Her mother’s and family’s opposition to her doing as she wished suggested to me, some issue with him she hadn’t been told.

As I wrote, “(your mother) still has some of those hurt feelings. There may also be factors between them that she doesn’t want to share, to protect you from things you don’t need to know.”

However, if that were not so, your feedback letter prompts me to rethink: I agree with you that young people do need good role models, and if one comes from a parent’s ex, they should be allowed to continue some level of the relationship, so long as there was never any abuse or manipulation by that adult.

Reader #2 – “The 10 years that her mom and step-dad were together were pretty formulating years for her.

“Unless he was abusing her and she’s blocked that memory, she should be free to pursue the step-dad relationship as she sees fit.”

I was coming into school when this girl talking to a guy, beckoned me. She said that the guy thinks I’m cute.

I looked at them to see if they were joking, looked at him, and walked away. I wasn't trying to be mean.

However, the friends that he’s made now were the same people who constantly bullied me through junior high, and I don't know this guy.

This happened almost six months ago, so why am I obsessing over it now?

Why do I wish I’d said something different? Why do I want to talk to him even though he probably doesn't remember me?

Post-Bullying Confusion

The searing experience of being bullied can have long-term effects. It’s natural to wish you could’ve talked about his friends’ former behaviour with him, and resolved some of your past hurt. That chance may come. But don’t trust him unless you become certain he’s unlike them.