I'm 39, female, dating a man of 50, on and off, for three years. We have recently moved in together. He freelances and is re-establishing himself in this city.

I'm desperate to have a child (my first) and would like to start ASAP, but he'd like to wait until he's more settled. I'm terrified of missing the small window of time I have remaining to become pregnant.

He says he wants children, but we're not actively trying. Each day that passes, I become more anxious.
Do I leave him or continue to wait? I'd be crushed if I never became a mother.

Deadline

Abolish "desperate" from all your thinking... it's a crummy feeling within a relationship AND equally unsettling when thinking about when to have a baby and with whom.

Decide your priority. You may not like the following scenario, but if hurrying is your #1 motivation, do this: Ask yourself if you're willing to raise a child alone, for your need to be a mother.

If so, and you like this guy's credentials as a biological father, AND if he's willing, go ahead. But be sure and tell him he's not obligated to stay with you forever, this is for YOU.

However, if you want him as your life partner, give him "some" time to settle. Your "window" at 39 is not necessarily wide open but six months is unlikely to close it shut.

When you stop pushing baby making as the main issue between you - adjusting to living together is more productive - he'll relax, settle in more easily, and be able to accept starting a family soon. If he's not ready in a reasonable time, your next big decision is whether to risk the time it'll take to find someone else.

I wrote previously regarding my wife and her affairs with two of my friends. It's been several years since, and things are somewhat better, but still not good.

I cannot forget and there are constant reminders. I think the main issue is that I do not trust her. Her phone is always receiving emails, and texts, and it bothers me a lot.

I had an affair to get back at her and I did not feel good about it. Should I tell her so she'd maybe feel what I felt, mainly the loss of trust?

I feel if I tell her she'll be angry as well because the lover was much younger than her and I am much older than both. What I should do?

Can't Get Past

Revenge often backfires, especially when taken in the form of sexual activity for the sake of hurting another person. Instead, it usually leaves all parties as losers. She cheated, you cheated, that's enough straying and disloyalty if you intend to stay together.

Talk to your wife about mutual trust and why it's so essential to being comfortable together. Explain why you want this marriage with her to work (love, admiration, mutual benefits?) and why her constant communication has you unsettled.

Some people are more addicted to their phone contacts than others. Perhaps these are "acceptable" emails and texts, perhaps not. She needs to NOT get defensive but to re-assure you that she's in the marriage to stay.

You should also both agree to couples' counselling. The generation difference may have you both attached to other perspectives, but a therapist can help you learn to understand one another better. It's worth a try.

FEEDBACK Regarding the divorced boyfriend who wants a co-habitation agreement before moving in together (March 17):

Ellie - I usually answer any matters regarding legal contracts by first suggesting that the writer seek professional legal advice for their jurisdiction.

In this March 17 column, I neglected to do that. So the following critique is very important for people living in jurisdictions like Ontario, Canada:

Reader - "If the parties live in Ontario, a co-habitation agreement is a protective agreement for both parties (and their finances) if they break up. It would be nullified by marriage. He/she may then ask for a prenuptial agreement - common when finances are initially very different and/or a previous divorce is involved. The couple can commit to re-discuss the issue in a few years.

"In fact, in Ontario, a Cohabitation Agreement automatically becomes a marriage contract unless the parties specify otherwise in the Agreement. Summary: Sign nothing till you see a good lawyer."