My wife of four years spends any free time watching television, with predictable results. New annoying habits have developed, but when I've said that something she does makes me unhappy, she's become defensive and threatened.

During any argument she shouts that she's had it and wants to divorce. Afterward, she doesn't want to divorce, but I cannot get the thought out of my head.

Children will be the next step, but I don't think our relationship can improve. She's said she's given up - visible in her health, weight, how horrible she looks now.

I don't think anything will ever get better or become tolerable.

Unhappy

She's turned into a couch potato because she's depressed. She resists your criticism because she can't change whatever's gone wrong in the dynamic between you two.

You're equally hopeless about the relationship, wishing a divorce would just happen, and save you.

Do NOT consider having children now.

Put your judgments aside and talk to her realistically about what's going on. You both toss the "D" word around like a weapon. Instead, look for tools to try to repair the marriage or get information to part amicably.

Get marital counseling together. It may or may not improve the marriage, but it'll clarify the underlying issues.

I also believe that seeing a divorce lawyer, separately, is a cold-shower step to knowing what's really involved, emotionally and financially.

My children, both late teens, live halftime with me, and half with their father and stepmother.

She previously lived with their father for three years. They split up for several years and are back together. The last go-around, my son could do nothing right; she considered him a bad influence on her children. She gave his basement bedroom to her son, but then complained about his nocturnal schedule disturbing them, etc. He eventually spent minimal time at their house because he felt so unwelcome.
Now, he's older, employed, and suddenly acceptable to her. She's found him a new job at a fancier establishment and decided that he needed new, higher quality work clothes.

Now she's buying him dressier casual wear. He's not a dressy person. I've always shopped for my son because he hates shopping and isn't interested in clothes.
I'm offended by her butting in to what I see as my role. I also feel that her interest in his wardrobe is a reflection of the fact that she doesn't really accept him for who he is - a basic t-shirt and sweatpants kind of guy.

He doesn't want to offend this woman and generally doesn't handle confrontation well, so he's not about to argue with her. His father thinks everything she does is wonderful and delegates all parenting of his children to her. He's basically oblivious. However, we got along fine when she was out of the picture.
Should I bite my tongue, swallow my anger, and say nothing for my kids' sake? Or should I draw the line before she takes over even more?

Upset

Bite down hard, Mom, and recognize that their relationship isn't about you. I can tell you from experience that you'll always be the primary mother in your son's life, no matter what she buys or what he wears.

Meantime, give her credit for trying. Buying him clothes is a lot better than finding fault. He's old enough to balance showing some appreciation and also asserting his choice of sweats and t-shirts when he's hanging out away from her.

My friend's husband gets very aggressive verbally with her, especially when drinking. He's made our group very uncomfortable, putting her down during a dinner party, snapping at her before visitors to their home, and even threatening to leave without her from a restaurant.

She's a bright woman, mid-40s, with a successful career, but gets submissive and withdrawn when he bullies her. She loves him. What can friends do?

Concerned

Ask questions that get her thinking, without expecting answers. Why does she accept this? Can she see herself living this way ten years from now? Has she talked to him and/or his doctor about how alcohol affects him? Has she recognized how physically dangerous his anger can become?

Suggest she attend an Al-Anon meeting to learn how other partners/relatives of aggressive drinkers have fared.

If his outbursts escalate, intervene on the spot and insist she take a break from him to consider options.