My husband spends a lot of time at home on the computer, which causes a lot of conflict. 

Recently, I found him engaging in some compromising activities on the computer, which has left me with little trust or respect for him.

He was embarrassed and promised not to do it again, but little has changed - I found him at it again this week.

How can I get him to see how serious a matter this is for our relationship? We have a son, 12, at home, and insist that there be no sexual material accessed on the Internet in our home.

- Disturbed

Hubby’s biggest mistake is thinking he can get away with what his son cannot do. It’s sneaky, risky and highly irresponsible. 

Since he’s not responded to your feelings about it, point out the impact on your adolescent son, if he catches dad involved in cyber sex: No respect, and no obedience to hypocritical rules. This will make his teen years extremely hard on both of you.

If your husband won’t give up this cheap thrill, he may be addicted to computer sex and needs to confront his problem.

Or, if there’s something missing in the sexual relationship between you two that’s causing him to substitute this way, you need to get to couples’ counselling together.

Otherwise, with your son in the potential eye of an inevitable storm (as dad continues to take risks) you won’t be staying together.

My wife of 45 years has been negative to me since I retired a year ago. I travelled out of town every week, and she was always happy to have me home on my one day off, Sunday. 

Now that I’m around every day, she’s often distant.

When I tell her to lock the door when we go out, or to turn off the lights, she gets angry and doesn’t speak to me.

What can I do?

- Worried

Lock the door yourself, and also turn out the lights… without comment. 

For 45 years, the house was intact while you were at work, and now you’re bugging her unnecessarily. It makes her feel you don’t trust her judgment or ability in managing the house – which she did all those years while you were away.

I’ve never mistrusted my husband of 14 years until recently. 

On Facebook I noticed a woman he works with sending him “roses” and “kisses.” I think this is inappropriate, but he laughs and says she’s like this with everyone.

Her profile is locked.

I’m uncomfortable with this situation, but he doesn’t see the problem and still “accepts” these Facebook gifts.

I’m an investigator by profession, and this has my suspicion monitor on full alert. Should I follow up on this?

- Alarms

Negotiate, before you “investigate.” An open discussion - without accusations – about how this makes you feel should also invite him to tell you more about this woman. Is she a co-worker with influence over his job; is she flirty with him and others at work; would she be insulted if he blocked her gifts? 

Despite your suspicions, “investigating” in any serious manner would put you in a power position with your husband, which isn’t a great dynamic for a happy resolution.

He could have as much distrust as you, fearing you’ll always overreact, especially if there’s nothing between them.

So, if there’s no apparent evidence of “emotional cheating” on Facebook, compromise is what’s needed. He lessens the contact, and you relax.

I have three friends who I can’t count on and often take advantage of me, or think I’m super-human. 

I’m not close to any of my family. All I have is my fiancé to count on.

I find myself breaking down or having angry outbursts.

I’ve developed obsessive-compulsive behaviour and everything must be planned or I get physically ill.

I grew up feeling I was a vessel for other’s pain; I’m always being used.

I’m scared that I’ll lose the only thing I have left - my fiancé.

- Anxious

You need professional help for your anxieties, compulsions and anger. Get it fast, so that your fiancé can be part of the team that’s helping you instead of having to be your rescuer. 

Also, if you feel “used” by friends, see them only for mutually recreational get-togethers.

To help you find a registered therapist locally, see the Ontario Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at www.oamft.on.ca