A married friend recently surprised me with a kiss, and an unexpectedly intense relationship ensued. We live in separate cities and email daily.  

She’s unhappy in her three-year marriage, but her husband said she owed him a second chance, and she agreed. Both have had affairs, their interactions are distant, and she resents supporting him through his studies and likely thereafter.

I’m crazy about her, and she feels similarly. She talks about seeing a happy future and children together.

Still, she wants time (till summer) to figure out what to do. She’d like to communicate, to measure our feelings over time.

I backed off because the emotional effects of our correspondence were interfering with daily life (and my meeting new people).

I said we should cut off contact until she became available. Now I’m wondering if I was too rigid, since I want to win her.

- Conflicted

You can only “win” her if she makes a clean break from her marriage and sees you for yourself, not as an escape route or romantic fantasy. 

Communicating regularly may provide diversion instead of action. She can waver longer over her decision, because she already has a dream scenario playing in her imagination.

Better that she do the hard work of confronting her marriage and its realities, and that she face the complexities of a separation, for her own sake, rather than for you.

It’s a tough call, but assure her you’re setting the tone for a fresh start, when and if possible.

My partner of several years has two children and I have two. He sees his children alone (four hours) once weekly, and alone for a couple of hours at the commencement of his every-other weekend. 

His son, 10, is jealous that his father lives with my children; but his ex-wife has refused shared custody.

My spouse feels guilty and blames not spending enough “alone time” with his son. He wants to take his kids on excursions alone, without my children or me during the weekends we’re all living together. But my children and I see us as a “family” - meaning doing things together.

When his kids come here for the weekend, I want us to act as a family.

Also, my children were abandoned by their biological father and see my spouse as their “dad.”

My spouse and I fight about this. He usually gives in to taking his son out alone, which upsets my kids and me. I also see him pulling away from my children as his own defense mechanism or guilt plagues him.

The only time “fun things” happen is when his kids are around.

Am I wrong to think we’re one family?

- Divided

An arrangement such as yours is a periodically “blended” family; it takes time plus compassion for the kids’ adjustment needs, to affect that blend. 

Your expectations are one-sided, looking to the comfort of your own children more than his son, who’s already troubled. This pre-adolescent boy needs YOU to adjust, or you’ll soon have an angry teenager and a conflicted partner to handle.

If you relax and allow this boy some special time with his dad – e.g. a weekend away together, an occasional special sports event, etc. – father and son will also relax.

Your kids have “dad” alone the majority of the time. Once this situation settles, he’ll be more amenable to fun times with them too.

My close friend (late 20s) has been drinking heavily, daily. He denies it, and then pounds back that 18th beer. He’s lost every job, his marriage, and is back with parents.  

Recently, his speech was almost incomprehensible; he could barely stand; yet he was going for another beer! I lost it on him, haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t know how to help. Al-Anon meetings aren’t possible because of my work schedule.

- Very Worried

Contact Al-Anon online for information on how to connect with a support group of others whose friends or family members are alcoholics. 

Also, locate the closest Alcoholics’ Anonymous meetings and give the schedule to your friend – and his parents - for when he’s ready.

You’re not helping by drinking with him (meet for a meal, instead), nor by losing it.

Be prepared to listen and respond quickly when needed, his physical and mental health is at serious risk.