My father-in-law is a tough, stubborn man who talks to my wife like she’s still a child – barking orders, dismissing her ideas. 

She’s depressed after every visit but still wants to see her Mom.

- What to do?

Visit less. A chronically destructive relationship doesn’t deserve frequent exposure. 

She can visit/go out with her Mom on her own. When it’s necessary to see Dictator Dad, you can carry the conversation with him, while she avoids his negative impact.

My boyfriend of eight months always knew my plan to pursue a career in the arts, involving moving to a bigger city. I asked him if he’d move with me, this fall - we currently live separately. He works on contract, previously lived in this other city, and has family there. 

He said he wouldn’t move, as he’s just getting settled and would prefer our moving in together here.

He wouldn’t ask me to give up my plans, so is it selfish to ask him to move? He also said he wasn’t keen on making a bigger commitment yet.

Should I end things right now, or when I leave?

- Undecided in Calgary

Part on good terms, when you leave, and let the future unfold. 

There’ve been no promises or mixed messages… you’re both free and entitled to pursue different goals.

On your new path, you might initially be too distracted to attend to a live-in relationship, had he joined you (especially if he came reluctantly). But by the time you settle in – if you maintain steady contact without recriminations for being apart – each of you may be more certain whether you want to work on getting back together, in either city.

I’m 37, grew up with alcoholism and abuse, abandoned by both parents, bounced between foster homes. 

At 16, I was cocaine addicted and pregnant. No education, no job skills, always struggling.

By 20, I had three babies.

While trying to be a Mom and stay clean (for 20 years now), I took whatever job I could.

I (wrongly) decided it was better to care for one child instead of three; my ex took custody of my two oldest (then 5 and 6). But at 13, my son moved in with me – very angry and out of control.

Now, at 18, he’s dropped out of school, deep into drugs plus alcohol. I’ve tried kicking him out; I’ve tried counselling, but can’t get through to him.

How can I prevent what I see coming, and stop the cycle?

- Helpless

Start with an apology. Though you’ve fought admirably to survive childhood trauma, neglect and your own poor choices, your son only knows the harshness of his own life. He needs your acknowledgement that you regret sending him away (no matter your reasons). 

Ask him to prove himself the one that can break the cycle before messing up more children’s lives. Help him consider some positive choices, like joining Alcoholics’ Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous to get the support of others struggling to regain control of their lives.

Offer goals that might appeal to him, given his own experiences – e.g. if he can stay clean and sober, he can be a positive force for disadvantaged youngsters as a volunteer through a YMCA or community agency (if he passes the organization’s scrutiny).

Meantime, do everything you can to stay in contact, no matter his behaviour, so he can begin to develop trust in you; it’s crucial.

My aunt and her husband have an adopted daughter, age 9. 

They’re both obese hypochondriacs who don’t exercise, eat poorly and are lazy.

Their house is disgustingly dirty; yet they’re constantly yelling at their daughter to clean up her room, and asking her to bring them food while they sit and watch TV.

She’s already overweight and is constantly ridiculed by her classmates.

I worry that my aunt would be offended if I said anything.

- Concerned

Speak up – to the girl, as well as your relatives. You may not be able to change the parents, but you may be able to help them recognize that their lifestyle is harmful to the girl’s self-image and overall health. 

Befriending your cousin, and helping her feel valued by someone who wants her to feel good about herself, can be a most important influence in her life, even if it only kicks in later.