I invited my in-laws over for a special dinner; they responded that they’d inform me on that day whether they’re coming, depending on how they feel. This happens on a regular basis.  

They’ve phoned at the last minute (including Christmas Day) to say they weren’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming.

How am I supposed to plan menus and buy groceries if I don’t know in advance? My husband told them that they need to make more of an effort, but nothing changed.

They complain when they aren’t invited.

How should I handle this? Do I just stop including them?

- Fed Up

Cook more. That’s the practical solution; but it’s clear you’re reacting to this as an emotional issue. That’s valid, especially if you know your in-laws 1) are healthy, active people who get up and go to whatever they so desire; 2) they’re consistently inconsiderate, selfish people; 3) you know for certain that they dislike you and irritate you on purpose. 

BUT, you would be overreacting if these in-laws are elderly, depressive, or dealing with other chronic illnesses. In that case, you’re taking too personally what may not be meant as slights.

Your husband should have some deeper knowledge of their nature; if he knows nothing about their state of health, he should be getting informed.

Also, if you’re only inviting them over for big occasions, they may feel generally left out of your family life, and so not that quick to enthuse over the rare invitation. Only you know the answers to the above possibilities.

Meanwhile, since you can always freeze the leftovers, it seems unnecessarily harsh to just stop inviting them.

Five years ago I was in a different job and working with a great group of people. 

There were days on the job when I felt totally out of control, to the point of rage and confusion. I felt badly about events at the time but never said anything or apologized. Years went by before I realized that I’d started menopause. I began to remember the tell-tale symptoms - migraines, tremors, hot flashes. I now realize that a lot of my reactions were hormone-induced. I still feel so bad about my past behaviour.

Should I seek out these individuals and apologize. My husband says I’m nuts and the individuals involved have long ago forgotten.

Your advice?

- Remorse

If you never have contact with these people anymore, the sudden drop of details about your past hormonal state may be TMI (too much information) and more than they care to think about. There may even be some who’ll resent your thinking you can wipe out old hurts, when you could’ve years ago investigated why you were behaving so irrationally. However, there may also be people who need to hear that your rages were never about their quality of work or their behaviour. 

So, since I do believe in the value of apologies (especially to you) I suggest you write a brief note to each saying how sorry you are for any offence you may have caused. Say, that though you know “excuses” can’t change the past, you now recognize there was a medical basis to your actions, and you want them to know how much you cared for them, and regret you didn’t know how to handle your terrible moods which have thankfully now passed.

By the way, your husband is wrong, to say you are “nuts” to want to reassure people that they were never at fault.

My wife of seven years separated from me, because she “needs her space.” 

She’s been seeing a co-worker for lunch.

She said I never appreciated her (she’s right), and still loves me but can’t be with me.

We’re talking about making it work, but she refuses to stop contact with the other guy.

Should I wait or move on with my life? I love her and we have two sons.

- Confused

Hang in and woo her back. This other person clearly does appreciate her, but they have no history, bad or good. You need to build on what you two have – the happy memories, the shared goals for your sons. 

Now, create new patterns. Ask what she feels is missing… more time together, more romance, more listening and caring about her day?

Don’t pressure her, but be there.

Since you both feel love, some changes will bring her back.