Before our one-year wedding anniversary, my husband and I (both early 20’s) separated and I slept with one of his family members. It was a one-time deal, with a lot of alcohol involved. I feel guilty and can’t stop thinking about it. 

I was wondering if I should tell my husband, to have a clean conscience. But I’m scared, because since getting back together, he’s more jealous than ever.

- Family Trouble

You took a risk that may easily come back to bite you, and now, your options are all worrisome. 

While honesty would seemingly “clear” your mind, it’ll mess up your hubby’s in a way that could end your marriage or cause you harm from his jealousy.

But there’s also the possibility that he’ll find out anyway.

Two approaches: 1) Talk to the equally guilty family member to determine whether he’ll ever leak this incident or is as worried about that happening as you would be.

2) Consider whether your marriage is now healthy: e.g. why you separated, how your husband expresses his jealousy, whether you can live with it or feel controlled and fearful.

It may be that you two need professional therapy to stay together, and if so, you can discuss this dilemma with the therapist on your own.

But if the marriage is already shaky, and he won’t get help, stay mum on the cheating and decide what you want for the future.

I’m a pre-med student in a serious relationship with a same-age woman who hasn’t completed high school, due to emotional problems. 

I’m intellectual and find it difficult to relate to her although she’s responded positively to music, literature, and film I’ve introduced her to. However, we’re often fishing for topics of conversation.

She eagerly moved into early intimacy and serious dating, after I expressed sympathy over her personal problems.

She’s been sexually intimate with many people, often in unhealthy and almost abusive environments, and I fear she might be looking for a saviour.

Her best friend is a supposedly gay man with whom she’s been sexually intimate.

She only made moves to work, return to school, and see her doctor, upon my urging.

I want a relationship with an intelligent and healthy woman, with well-grounded morals, who’s faithful, and whom I can share time with in mutually enjoyable activities.

How do I express my fears and doubts to her?

She has fears abandonment, and during my last attempt, she ended up in a severe alcohol-related car accident.

Is there hope here?

- Not a Rescuer

Stop trying to re-make this woman in your image. Your “wish list” is everything she is not, yet you’ve insinuated your advice and tastes into every part of her life. 

It seems you jumped in for the intimacy, and ignored what she lacked as partner material, only to wake up deeply involved in her well-being. The longer you drag this on, the harder it’ll be to extricate yourself, and the more emotionally she’ll react.

Do not rely on “hope” that she’ll become someone you’ve fashioned out of clay. If you can’t accept her as she is and value her for her basic personality and character, see her less, and let her “progress” with work and school develop on her own efforts in her own time.

For the sake of her stability, you may need to enlist her best friend’s support for her if she overreacts to your easing off the relationship.

My friend has had terrible luck with guys in the past; she’s a mother of two and unable to have any more children. 

In every relationship, she can’t get a commitment.

She just started another relationship with a man who previously had no intention of committing and now she wants to get married!

I want to be supportive but can’t help being apprehensive and worried about her and her kids.

- Repeat Performance

Your role is support, not policing her life. If she asks your opinion, point out that she’s been down this fruitless road before and come out hurt and disappointed. Say that this repeat situation is hard on her kids to experience. 

You can suggest she get counselling to avoid making the same mistake of choosing men who clearly don’t want the attachment she seeks.

Then, offer a strong shoulder if things go as you suspect they will.