Following are questions leftover from my online chat “What’s a Good Relationship?” (July 16):

My fiancée can’t have children, we know that definitely now. My father took me aside and said I need to re-think the future, as this could be a deal-breaker, if not now then later.

I love this woman and am very conflicted. We care deeply for each other, respect each other, can discuss anything, and also have terrific times together, even when just hanging out.

I know there are options, but they won’t produce “our” child, which is what I want most.

Can we survive this blow and still have a happy life? We both have good careers so will always work, we’re keen tennis players and enjoy playing together, both love to travel, and also have a good circle of friends.

Deal-Breaker?

There are, of course, countless couples who do not have children who have very happy and have healthy relationships.

Generally, either both parties started out with a stated preference and agreement to be childless, or both can’t have kids for various reasons. OR, one partner decided that he/she would rather be with the chosen, beloved partner, than leave.

He/she has decided to build on the love and compatibility already known and shared, than just hope to one day find someone with whom they can have a child and maybe be happy.

Your father was being naturally protective of you to say that you need to think about this.

But it’s not about whether you’d feel guilty to leave. Rather, think about whether this woman is the love of your life and the companion with whom you want to spend your life.

If the latter, you may both one day be more comfortable to consider adopting a baby or child into a happy, loving home. Or, you may find it acceptable for you to father a child through assisted reproduction, e.g. a donor womb (something you’d need to research in your locale).

Or, you may contribute to many children’s lives by being involved through coaching, mentoring, and/or Big Brothers of Canada.

I love this guy who’s never going to marry me. He had a son with a girlfriend, and is a very responsible father even though the mother is now living with someone else.

He supports his son, and feels that marriage is just too risky of money and emotions (his parents had a messy divorce).

But he says he loves me and we get along great. We’re both late-30, I’ve been divorced, have no children, but I’m close with my sister’s children. I’ve met his son who’s 11 now, and he’s a good kid.

Unwed

In all relationships, there are risks. And love is certainly worth considering which risks you can handle.

If you can accept a common-law arrangement, or even a long-term dating relationship from separate homes, you have the guy you love, without a wedding ring.

Common-law relationships do have some legal rights after a period of time together (depending on your jurisdiction), unless a co-habitation agreement spells out separate assets.

So you may not have financial security without you and he coming to some agreement.

If those issues aren’t bothering you, you can be happy in this relationship. The unknown factor is this: for how long?

The answer can only come from you, depending on your emotional and financial needs, and potential changes ahead that can affect you, him, or the arrangement.

My wife’s a beautiful, intelligent woman whom I love dearly, but it’s taken 10 years to be able to say we have a good relationship.

We were very much in love when we married, and had kids right away. That’s when our differences really started to show.

I was used to children being raised to be polite and in the background; she believed kids are front and center stage.

We’ve each compromised and agree on most things about the kids, which has helped us become a solid, happy family.

Family-man 

No two people come together with exactly the same attitudes.

But having firm common values is your strength.

It’ll keep you adapting as the kids grow into years of seeking independence and testing you both.

That’s when you need to compromise on other areas of difference.

And find other ways to bond, e.g. new and revived goals for enjoying your own relationship as a couple.