After 20 years of marriage, my wife and I can no longer communicate. I feel she doesn’t listen. She says I’m unreasonable. Conversations become arguments.

She complains that I don’t do enough with our three kids. She works one day a week. My business requires long hours. When I get home, I need downtime. But this is when we fight, many times about finances.

Although I earn decent money, I feel burdened by her needless expenditures.

Our sex life’s mediocre. I’m willing to go to a marriage counsellor; she says she doesn’t need one. Are we on a slippery slope to divorce?

Frustrated Husband

Yes, this divorce slope’s steep, and adding speed. She’s very angry. Raising three kids is also a job with long hours, even when they go to school (and activities, needing laundry, meals, driving, etc.).

Back out of the ongoing power struggle … you control money and time; she controls home and conversation. Your agreed budget should include discretionary money for her to spend. She’s a partner, not an employee.

You’re both locked in contrary positions. Do something different – include the kids in a refreshing “downtime” by taking them to a gym or kicking a soccer ball around outside.

Have a family outing on the weekend. Cook dinner one night. Set up a date night to go outtogether. Sex improves once the relaxation and fun does. If nothing works, or one of you doesn’t try, counselling plus a divorce lawyer are your next steps.

My husband of eight years is a great guy; we get along 90% of the time, and have fun together. However, he’s had no interest in sex for four and a half years. I gave up even trying to have sex two years ago.

I’m only 33, and don’t want to live with a roommate forever. He won’t go to a doctor to see if something’s wrong with him. Is divorce my only option?

Frustrated Wife

See above, for the similarities: You two are also in fixed positions – he won’t have sex, you won’t even try.

Something has to change. But if you head straight to the divorce option, you’re not trying the many simpler and easier approaches.

He’s either scared of finding out what’s wrong sexually, or controlling your relationship because of something else that’s wrong.

Speak up and tell him that either HE is open with you, or YOU will leave. Remind him that divorce is not an easy change. By contrast, a medical problem can be treated; a relationship issue can be helped through counselling.

And a sexual orientation issue, if that’s relevant, can be discussed, and understood a lot better than his rejection.

I’m a senior citizen, dating a senior for the last year. He broke up with a girlfriend of eight years to start dating me. My problem is that they still frequently speak on the telephone.

He tells me there is no romance, that she’s a nice lady and a good friend. However, it annoys me. Am I being petty?

Different Rules for Seniors?

If you both believe this is a serious relationship, then your feelings have to count. He was close to this other woman long-term, slept with her. It’s natural that you’d feel somewhat uncomfortable.

He should introduce you, so you can see them interact, and she can see you as a couple. He should also cut back their contact to an occasional catch-up call, since you’re the primary lady and friend in his life now.

My partner has a learning disability. His parents treat him like an idiot, and brag about his over-achieving sister.

He sits through it without comment. I’m ready to tell them to shut up. If they can't offer love and support, then MYOB.

It’s a destructive pattern that causes us both extreme anxiety, so we mostly avoid them.

He also suffers from depression and after visiting his parents it takes weeks to build him up again.

We don't want to cut them out of our lives, but is this healthy? How can we turn things around?

Distressed Partner

It’s an entrenched pattern that’s absolutely unhealthy. However, you telling them to “shut up” will give them license to also knock his choice of partner.

Continue avoiding them. Make any necessary visits limited by “deadlines” or “appointments” elsewhere.

Focus on whatever treatment, therapy, and medication, he needs to boost his confidence and manage his depressions.