My girlfriend and I haven’t been close lately; she used to always invite me to outings with her friends or to parties. 

I’d thought we’d sorted out earlier problems, but recently, she’s been keeping me distant and only wants us to spend time together without her friends.

I’m unsure if there’s another guy involved or why it’s like this.

Once I received a text message from her very early in the morning, which she claims she didn’t send. She got angry at me when I didn’t believe her immediately. I stated that maybe she meant to send it to her friend and I received it by mistake.

Should I care that she seems like she doesn’t want me around when she’s with her friends, or possibly another guy, or should I dismiss this as just wanting more time with her friends?

- Suspicious

Creating one-sided “distance” is disturbing; your girlfriend needs to tell you her reasons for this happening. Even if you’re overreacting to her just wanting to spend more time with her friends, she needs to tell you that this is a new need of hers. 

Often in dating, after the initial rush to be together, the individuals start developing a more balanced routine – e.g. a night out with buddies alone every week, a night for family, the rest divided between couple time and whatever. These stages of dating need discussion, so every one’s feelings are taken into account.

Tell her you’re feeling sidelined, and need to know whether this is a new phase for you to work out, mutually. You’ll know by whether she’s willing to adjust to your needs, too, if she’s really seeking a long-term distance between you.

My life has been lost since my husband died nine years ago; I’ve spent all the money he left me, more on others than myself.  

I’ve been involved with lots of idiots, not that I’m not one myself.

After seven years I fell deeply in love with a guy whom I thought was special... he caused me to be put in jail because I hit him when I found him in bed with a woman 15 years younger than me.

I finally left him, but what’s scaring me is that I can’t stop thinking about him.

I spent a lot of time on my own when he was always gone.

I now have a man in my life, who’s as confused as me. I don’t know what to do. I’m falling for him, but I don’t see him being here for me.

- Going Nowhere

You’ve labelled yourself, “Lost”, partly to escape the hard reality of doing the work of learning to live comfortably on your own. Count these past years as a long transition period of widowhood – an adjustment period everyone who loses a life partner, has to experience. 

So far, you’ve been driven by loneliness and insecurity, which has resulted in your making poor decisions about people you let into your life.

Now, set some standards for yourself as to what’s acceptable and what is not. If the “confused” guy is just leaning on you and unlikely to hang in for mutual support, say a polite goodbye.

Then, start building a life for yourself with friends and family whom you trust.

Do NOT focus on finding the next man; rather, get to know new men as friends before you judge whether they can eventually enhance your life, and worth your emotional involvement.

I’ve been with my therapist for 12 years and repeatedly questioned if we’re a good fit. I’ve sometimes been uncomfortable with her perspective on some issues – but I tried to trust the process. 

However, due to a recent crisis I’ll be raising my concerns with her again, but wonder how much her personal perspective influences her advice.

- Curious

Every trained professional in the therapy field brings a mix of established theory, and clinical experience to clients. There’s inevitably a degree of personal opinion, too, especially after a long association with the client and repeated patterns. 

Since you’ve felt discomfort numerous times, try another therapist for a few sessions, to see if you feel any difference of “fit.”

Twelve years is too long a time to be questioning the advice you’re getting, unless you’ve been sub-consciously using this uncertainty, to avoid making changes in your own thinking and behaviour.