My boyfriend of one year and I are madly in love and believe we'll spend our lives together. However, one issue causes me to hesitate. He believes it's acceptable to sleep over at his female best friend's house in the same bed as her.

He touches her in ways that I wouldn't think of touching other men. He takes her to gatherings that he doesn't even invite me to, and then tells me after the fact. He refuses to go somewhere or do something I suggest, and then accepts the same kind of thing when she asks.

He swears that nothing has or will happen. How can I make him see this isn't appropriate behaviour? Or am I over-reacting? I believe this issue will never go away and I'm not sure I should, or could, put up with it any longer.

Unacceptable

It's beyond further debate about what's "appropriate" and instead, is a question of respecting your feelings, which are NOT overreacting but rather about your standards.

Be clear: You'd never sleep in a close male friend's bed, touch him over-affectionately, and go where he wants in preference to going with your guy. And you can't abide that your boyfriend does these things.

This will always bother you. So, either he modifies their physical contact and brings you along on their "events" if you want to go, or this issue will eventually drive you away from him.

Small incidents can create huge problems for my boyfriend of one year and me. It often happens around my friends or in other social settings.

Once, while sitting together, my girlfriend slipped a joking comment towards my boyfriend, and he left without explanation. I didn't chase after him. He later exploded that I never stick up for him and don't act like a "girlfriend," which makes him feel shafted.

I responded that a harmless joke is different than a deliberate attack (to which I'd respond differently). He maintains that I don't fulfill "girlfriend duties" - he can't articulate a definition, just gets more angry when I ask.

I make a large effort to plan dates with him, exist around his busy schedule, and do many favors and errands for and with him. I love him and I want to keep the relationship stable, but our constant arguments about how the relationship should look, are never settled.

I've never had this problem with past boyfriends. I'm losing faith because of our misunderstanding of each other. I'm torn between giving in to his neediness and preserving my own style of loving.

Torn

Everyone's "style of loving" has to adapt to a new relationship. But you two are holding fast to your own views, and letting the gap between them widen.

Yes, he's needy, especially about his sense of your "duties." You need a non-combative talk about what each of you expect in the relationship and where you can each compromise. Does he do you "favours" in return, or does his busy schedule dominate your plans? If yes, and you accept it, stop raising this.

When he left after your friend's comment, you should've followed, since clearly he was sensitive about it. She may be entitled to "joke" about you, but he hasn't the same comfort with her comments.

If you want to stay together, recognize your differences and start talking about how to meet each other halfway... or all the way on things that matter more to one of you.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman with strong sensitivities to scents (June 2):

Reader - "If she has a major reaction then covering sofas with sheets doesn't cut it, nor does using antihistamines.

"It can take hours, days, sometimes weeks for the reaction to calm down, if multiple sensitivities are involved.

"Why does she feel she has to continue to entertain her boorish children and their mates at home? Their scents and detergents are polluting her air, and making her ill.

"It was a good idea to suggest the parents buy some fragrance-free products for when they meet, but because of pollution that's retained in the air and home décor, the most effective solution is simple: Don't invite insensitive relatives to their home."

Would that relationships were that simple! Her husband needs to help her explain the impact on her health, try meeting them elsewhere, explore other approaches, then, if they resist, give up.