I met the guy I've been dating for six months on a dating site. Lately he's been saying that he's not ready for a committed relationship, and that we should take one step backward.

But when I ask him if this is the last time we'll see each other he won't give me a definite answer. I feel that he still cares for me, too, because whatever I say I want to do or eat, when I go to his place it's ready and he's really sweet with me. Should I let him go or wait until he's ready for a relationship?

Confused

He's already got just as much as he wants from you, and it still means no commitment. Instead, he gets you to come over for the price of something you want to eat or do.... and that's all. You say nothing of ever going out together, meeting his friends, getting together with your friends. It sounds like booty call dressed up as dating.

If you're satisfied for now, that's your choice. But don't expect any serious changes. Not unless you tell him that you prefer to eat at home, or with a guy who sees dating as having potential for moving forward.

Last March my wife died after 52 years of an exceptionally fulfilling marriage. In May, I met a lady who's 73, I'm 77. She was married for 20 years and says she only stuck it out for her daughters' sakes. They had separate bedrooms.

Fourteen years into the marriage she fell in love with a married man. He revealed that he and his wife openly (their daughters knew) had other sex partners but continued to live as a family. My friend met the wife plus the extended family several times, and had a torrid relationship with this man but did not exchange partners.

Their relationship lasted for 10 years until his wife told her that her husband had no intentions to marry her, as the affair was only casual.

This hurt and angered her deeply because he didn't tell her himself, and she truly loved him. However, as they belonged to the same club she continued to take rides with the couple for the next 25 years with no sexual overtures.

She's still friendly with him and gets calls from him and his wife. When I came along, she said she's called him but felt guilty. It seems she wants me but also wants to continue contact with him as he meant a lot to her.

When I say I'm uncomfortable with this, I get told to "grow up" as this is normal. We both profess deep affection for each other and are very compatible. We don't want to lose each other, and don't have many years left, but I don't understand that relationship. I feel something's missing and not right.

Lost in the Shuffle

You bet something's missing, and it's emotional honesty. She's enmeshed with this man who introduced her to passion, cast her aside, but still exploits their old "connection." He and his wife do NOT live the norm she actually prefers, since she herself didn't exchange sex partners. But she's stuck.

Even a few years (and you may have more than you think) shouldn't be lived without peace of mind, if you can help it. And you can. Do not accept this ongoing relationship with her former lover, if you want to be in a healthy, stable, and happy union with her.

FEEDBACK Regarding a husband's discomfort with his wife's behaviour when drinking (Dec.2):

Reader - "I was a wife who became the "Let's rock!" lady at a party. If the woman in question had a marriage like mine was, she may be drinking because her relationship with her husband is the problem.

"In my case, I was dreadfully unhappy and felt unheard about what wasn't working. When I got out with our friends, I let go - to dance, flirt, and drink too much. All very embarrassing for everyone! But I thought I was having fun.

"So it may not be just about this party girl and the effect she's having on the relationship, it may be the relationship and the effect it's having on the wife."

A-There are always two sides, though people only write me their own. Nevertheless, when alcoholism is a factor, IT becomes its own problem, never a solution.