I met a guy I thought was great, and dated him for a month before we snuggled a couple of times. Then, at the two-month mark, we got intimate.
I thought he was respectful because he didn’t rush me before then.
But to my surprise and shock, he commented on my small breasts and suggested I get plastic surgery to make them bigger!
I was shocked, but he said it’s so common today, why wouldn’t I want to look sexier? He said now that he’s my boyfriend it would be exciting for both of us.
But I felt insulted. Am I wrong to take his remarks personally, like he’s not that interested in me if I don’t look sexier?
Curious and Uncomfortable
He was insulting and interested only in how he prefers to look, with a sexy-appearing woman beside him.
Besides being rude and superficial, he’s ignorant both of women’s sensitivities and also about what he’s recommending.
Even “common” surgeries have a risk from anesthetic, and there’ve been many reported cases of problems for women resulting from some breast implants.
Also, early intimacy in a relationship is meant to be a time of delight and physical bonding. Using it to negatively critique a partner’s body and suggest plastic surgery is crude and off-putting.
There’d have to be a lot more to this guy to warrant giving him a second chance.
Ask him how he would feel if you now suggest he get a penile implant? If he doesn’t “get” your meaning, he’s not worth explaining how you feel.
My twin daughters, 16, attend the same high school (by choice), sharing the same friends (by default).
One of them now states openly that she hates being a twin, hates her sister, and doesn't feel like we're a family because they fight so much.
She’s cutting herself and developing other issues for attention and an outlet for her frustration.
They don't share a room, my husband and I get along well. The girls are getting counselling, but it hasn't helped.
They've had a happy, privileged childhood. I work part-time so I've not been an absent mother.
My husband changed jobs for higher salary with more responsibilities, to meet the girls' growing expenses (after-school activities, counselling, etc).
Our angry daughter resents his long working days but whenever he's home she ignores him or verbally attacks him and/or her sister.
We're waiting to see a psychiatrist, as she might be depressed. Meantime, our life is hell.
They fight constantly, we cannot have dinner together in peace.
I wish I could send them to boarding school or otherwise separate them, but we cannot afford that.
Things would improve if one (or both) changed schools, but they refuse and we're scared of their reactions if forced.
I’m starting to resent them deeply. My mother died very recently and I haven't been able to mourn properly. I feel trapped and hate my life right now.
But I love them deeply and just want to have a peaceful life.
Exhausted, Heartbroken Mom
These are tough times, but get hold of your own maturity and strength because these girls need you right now.
Be pro-active. Don’t waste your energy on resentment. Urge your family doctor, the counsellor, and/or a hospital teen clinic to move quickly on getting a psychiatric appointment for the daughter who’s cutting herself.
She’s lost in pain from some deep emotional hurt. She could harm herself further unless she gets treatment.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman, 21, questioning waiting for sex until finding love (April 4):
Reader - “She’s had strong ethical reasons for her virginity.
“Your phrase, “The sexual urge may be too strong to resist” is what rapists say. Everyone has the ability to resist.
“Being unsure, she could be very disappointed on her first sexual occasion. She could use "self pleasuring" and quality sex tools instead.
“Sex requires the utmost respect between the participants and it seems she’s not yet found the best situation yet.”
Ellie – I wrote that she should be true to herself, and on that we agree.
But I cannot understand your reference to what “rapists” say.
The writer says she’s drawn by her own “urge for sex” while dating a man she doesn’t yet love, but potentially could.
There’s nothing about rape here. She has the right to refuse, the right to self-pleasure, the right to wait till she’s sure.
Tip of the day:
His post-first-sex suggestion that new girlfriend gets her breasts enlarged is insulting, shallow, and self-serving.