My marriage fell apart and within weeks I met a woman unhappy in her marriage. Things started out with fantastic sex, no commitment, no emotions.
However, we came to love each other and talked of moving in together. But I knew she’d probably never leave her husband and we’d split painfully. Recently, she told her husband everything ... about me and the other men she’d previously cheated with.
The next day, she called to say they've decided to work on things, though she claims they've been only roommates for the last 3-4 years.
We went from constant daily contact, to nothing. She was perfect in every way, except that she was married. I don't think any new woman I meet will compare to her.
- Overwhelmed
There are many women out there who are also attractive but are NOT married and not desperately seeking a Trigger Affair. That’s my personal label for the inertia-busting, intense liaison that finally sparks open confrontation between spouses … instead of serial cheating to avoid one.
You knew the ending beforehand. Yet your neediness matched hers and you rushed into the affair for its value to you at the time. Hopefully, you won’t be that needy, vulnerable, or reckless, again.
I'm 22, he’s 23, we’re committed to each other; however, he's Muslim, I’m Christian.
Neither of us are particularly religious - although his family is pretty religious and my family is strictly anti-Muslim. Prejudiced. Yet I cannot see myself happy in the future if I don’t have my family’s support.
If I seek my parents' blessing now, they’ll find a way to end our relationship. Neither of us are financially independent. But the secrecy and hiding are stressing me out. I don’t believe we should part ways and reunite in the future. I love what we have now and want to pursue it.
Meanwhile, we have difficulty talking about kids and marriage not only because we’re so young, but also because of our parents' views.
Example, I'm expected to baptize my kids (even though it means nothing to me) and that’s strictly forbidden in Islam. He says he’ll do it if that's what I want, but he thinks I only want it to make my family happy. Also, he’s then also entitled to Muslim rituals.
Can you tell me about incorporating two religions under one roof? I need to find a way for us to be happy, compromising and not hurt our families. Is true love worth this constant uphill battle? Is there a happy ending for star-crossed lovers?
- Juliet and Romeo
Shakespeare’s “solution” was theatrical, whereas you two want a life! The most important ingredient in a bi-religious/bi-cultural household – beyond deep love – is maturity.
It’s needed repeatedly, to help the couple decide which of their differences are essential to accept, and which ones are other peoples’ dictates. You have the love, but do you have that strength of maturity?
Be prepared that there are tricky negotiations ahead through life stages - with each of you wanting your family’s support despite their differing approaches to wedding traditions, raising kids, responsibilities to elders, etc.
And sometimes, parents feel too betrayed to ever accept the union. Your feelings that you can’t be happy in such a case are significant. Proceed slowly, till you’re absolutely sure – either way.
Readers - I welcome those who are living successfully in a Muslim-Christian union to respond, describing what’s helped you work toward “a happy ending” and what hasn’t. I’ll publish a selection of your stories.
My father passed away a year ago; my brother-in-law attended the funeral but his wife and children (university age and older) didn’t. His children never mentioned anything about my loss. I’m their only aunt living in Canada.
I have difficulty being civil at social functions, etc. We must celebrate or acknowledge all their events. How does one handle this? I blame the parents for not educating them properly.
- Offended
Many people are awkward about expressing feelings on death until they’ve experienced a loss, personally. Yes, the parents are at fault here. So, instead of blaming the adult children, you can gently raise their awareness.
When you next see each one, say, “I understand that you didn’t know how to acknowledge my father’s passing. But you need to know that it’s as important to acknowledge close people’s grief, as it is to celebrate their happy events.”
Tip of the day:
Beware the Trigger Affair, sought by those who seek a dramatic result.