I’m 27, my girlfriend of three years and I broke up in January; she was tired of my lack of commitment. My reasons: my parents bad marriage resulted in a decade-long bitter divorce, especially painful for my dad. I understand now that I was projecting the only marriage I ever knew onto my future, and it scared me. 

We still talk regularly, but this break seems final. She’s said she’s been seeing someone else casually, I worry it could become serious. But I haven’t “pushed” to win her back, partly because I feel too guilty to interfere with her new-found happiness, and partly because I think groveling will destroy my chances.

I wasn’t a perfect boyfriend. However, I feel I’m a changed man and want to commit for life. I’ve told her some of this, but I know that my waffling hurt her a great deal, and I may have to accept that I don’t deserve her.

Should I go after her?

- Changed and Contrite

It’s not the groveling that’ll turn her off, it’s the talk with no action. Go after her! 

Drop the introspective all-about-me stuff and tell her how you feel about her. Example: You want her in your life forever. If she’ll have you, she’ll be your number one priority. You’re optimistic and have learned from your parents’ mistakes, rather than fear repeating them.

Even if your ex isn’t willing to try again, you need to hold onto your resolve to be a “changed man” when it comes to relationships. No one’s going to stick around if you go back to hiding behind your parents’ divorce.

I’m very close with my parents and love them dearly; whenever my sister calls my mother (once a month), she eventually starts yelling, insulting and humiliating her.  

My mom’s had many ailments but, unless they’re life-threatening, my sister thinks they’re trivial. Yet after talking to her, Mom experiences high blood pressure, insomnia, palpitations.

She’s asked my sister many times not to do this but my sister has issues with people telling her what to do, so repeats her behaviour.

My father’s not confrontational and won’t get involved.

My sister and I aren’t on speaking terms for many reasons. Do I get involved and tell her to stop verbally abusing our mother?

- Angry and Frustrated

Get your mother’s doctor onside. Mom needs to hear from a health professional that she needs to defend herself from the dangerous health effects of verbal/emotional abuse. She must hang up. 

Your father’s being irresponsible in this nasty situation and should be the one to tell his daughter that if she continues her tirades, he doesn’t want her to call at all. You can tell Dad this directly; it’d be helpful if you can get the doctor to also suggest he speak up to protect his wife.

Due to the silence between you and your sister, your own demands would likely only cause more anger, possibly more outbursts against your mother.

My wife announced she’s a lesbian; eight months later, she’s moved in with a lesbian lover. 

Our adult kids have been more or less accepting, and I’m getting on with my life. But she hasn’t told her elderly mother, and we’re all keeping “the secret.”

- Is This Crazy?

It’s personal, complicated and weird, but not crazy. 

If all of the immediate family can handle “the secret,” whereas you believe her mom cannot handle the truth, then it’s your family’s choice, no one else’s.

I’m 28; my mother constantly says I’m selfish for attending graduate school. 

I’ve never been encouraged to do anything beyond house-keeping, am constantly berated, and belittled. Why keep in contact? I’d feel guilty leaving, because my parents are getting older… Instead, I want to learn how to handle my feelings.

Currently, I remain totally silent, as I’ve never been good at sticking up for myself. I need coping mechanisms and tips for managing stress and building self-esteem.

- Broken Down

Completing your education, finding employment and establishing your own lifestyle, will distance you emotionally from your mother’s criticisms, plus strengthen your self-esteem. Her comments are irrational, in light of your accomplishments. The guilt is an old tape in your head; delete. 

You’re way past a time when any of it had meaning. Move forward on your own path. You can still be helpful as your parents age, when and if you’re needed.