We’ve been together for 14 years, and have two school-age children. Our relationship was great for the first four years, but changed after we had our first (planned) child.

Our roles changed, life changed. He only helped with feeding and diaper changing when asked. He never offered.

I now feel like I have three kids, such a turn-off to feel like his mother. We’ve had no sex life since the second child.

I have no desire for anything sexual. He still desires me but gave up asking. I don't feel close to him anymore. He’s 10 years older than me and I wonder if it’s me who’s changed.

I have to make ALL of the decisions or nothing happens. When I ask for help, he says, “Tell me (what to do) and I’ll do it.”

I’ve become very bossy, controlling, and irritable. I don't like being this way.

Before we had kids, he made his own decisions, he was out there, while I was quiet, reserved, did whatever he wanted.

If we don’t talk about the kids or work, there’s nothing to talk about. He's not a talker about his feelings. He only wants to talk about bedroom action.

Doesn’t he feel the disconnection between us? Does it not bother him like it does me?

Bored and Frustrated

Sure it bothers him, and sends him right into a power struggle with you. It won’t be fixed until one of you stops holding onto more power.

Sorry, but that would be you. Yes, he wasn’t helpful and you had to grow up and take charge of what needed to be done for the kids. But somehow, you both left him behind.

Maybe he had no background in equal relationships, or in co-operative family life. Perhaps you were overwhelmed with babies and reacted with anger and bossiness.

What happens NOW is what matters. You could tell him you want to stay together as a family but you must get to counselling together.

Or, you’ll leave, not knowing if you should’ve tried giving this a fresh chance, including trying some intimacy to unlock the distance and frustration, he feels, too.

FEEDBACK About helping an alcoholic adult son (Jan.24):

Reader – “Seven years ago, our son, then 37, called us, sobbing that he’d reached bottom.

“We knew he drank, we’d begged him to stop, but didn’t know the extent of it.

“We immediately went to his house where he lived alone, and told him to pack and come home. I was grateful that he felt he could call us.

“He’d lost his job, and was behind in all his payments. We took him in; he needed us. We helped him financially where we could, and emotionally, always.

“Within six months, he’d sold his house and remained with us. We attended Al-Anon meetings for family of alcoholics in the beginning; he attended Alcoholics’ Anonymous (AA) meetings daily.

“He stayed with us for two years, got a job, and eventually moved to his own apartment. He’s continued to attend AA meetings.

“He’s since married, bought a house, and has a great job, but still attends meetings whenever he can.

“We’re extremely proud of him and attend every one of his AA anniversaries, along with his wife and brother.

“It’s a very hard road, but he will always be our son. I know it must be a daily struggle for him.

“We aren’t perfect parents, but he needed us. As the AA saying goes, we take "ONE DAY AT A TIME."

FEEDBACK Regarding the grandson who “hijacked” Christmas (Jan. 22):

Reader – “I’m an occupational therapist.

“His profile - attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and the domination of conversation - might indicate Asperger’s Syndrome, a high-functioning condition on the autism spectrum. 

“Assessment by a professional is a good idea. Many Asperger’s people function well, but need support in social-skills training for relationships.”

Reader #2 - “People with these disorders often have difficulty “reading” others’ body language, with cues that let most of us know when our listener’s bored or restless.

“Grandma can help. He can learn that each person in the room’s entitled to equal talking time. Example: In a one-hour visit between six people, each gets 10 minutes.

“He can also be taught how to start conversations by asking open ended-questions, like “How were your holidays?”

“Often, people with social difficulties aren’t rude, just unaware of how their behaviour impacts others.”