My girlfriend has started off this New Year with “plans.” She has a list of things she needs to do every day, for herself, for others and for me. We’ve been together for six months and we’re in our early 20s. I REALLY don’t want to be part of her list. I don’t want to receive a phone call from her because she’s checking me off her list; I want her to call me when she wants to talk to me!
I think it’s awesome that she’s trying to be organized and disciplined. She’s concerned about her physical health, wants to eat healthy and exercise more, and needs a regimen to get going. That’s great! But I repeat, I don’t want to be part of her regimen.
How can I tell her this without sounding like a complete unsupportive jerk?
Boyfriend
I appreciate your caveat that you don’t want to be a jerk. And it does sound to me as though you are supporting her, which is great.
You could do one of three things: you could just let her keep you on her list and see how long it lasts. I’m not being negative but nearly 70 per cent of people give up on their resolutions before the beginning of February (guilty!); you could talk to her and tell her how you feel, but I’ve been accused of making this suggestion too often (what can I say? I’m a communicator); or you could turn the tables and put her on your list but make it funny. For example, I have a friend who wakes at 6 a.m., has a coffee, heads to the bathroom and checks his email. And just to gross me out, he calls me – because I know exactly where he is. Yuck!
The most important issue here is that you ARE supportive, and you enjoy each other enough to continue this relationship.
On New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend got down on one knee…. And asked me to move in with him. I’m thrilled to move to this next level but feel funny about the ask. Was he mocking the whole proposal thing? And when he started to kneel, I felt a sense of panic because I don’t feel we’re ready to get engaged and was hoping to spend some time living together first. His actions really threw me off.
Now I’m just confused and feel as though I need some time to find my balance. But my standoff attitude is upsetting him, which I obviously don’t want to do.
How do I right this ship that was on a good course before my boyfriend tilted it?
Emotional Roller-coaster
OK, breathe. I can feel your intensity through your letter. This is life – it’s rarely a smooth ride. You need to learn how to strengthen your core to maintain balance. That’s metaphorical, but also a good physical lesson for staying fit. Your relationship was riding a wave on high, you two were feeling great together and he decided to take it to the next level.
Maybe he thought by kneeling, he was being romantic. Maybe he thought it held more weight. Maybe he just thought it would be cute. Whatever his reason, it missed the mark and instead of warming you, it mixed you up. It’s OK. You are allowed to not be in sync all the time. But in this case, you NEED to talk to him. And this open communication will hopefully just bring you closer and strengthen your relationship.
Dig deep, decide what you want, let this blip go, and move forward.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who appears uncaring (Oct. 23):
Reader – “Might I suggest she have her daughter examined for depression. I have a mild form of it called dysthymia. I haven’t cried for more than 30 years. There are times I feel emotionless, but it isn’t intentional. It’s something I have been working on most of my life and am waiting for a treatment (transcranial magnetic stimulation), but there are no staff to administer the treatment.
“My depression is genetic.
“The mother and daughter may not be aware of this as she appears to be functioning well. I can’t tell you the number of people who have said to me, ‘I didn’t know you had depression.’ I function fine most of the time; I’ve adapted.
“As I’m sure you know, depressed people don’t go around hang-dogged looking with long faces all the time. There are degrees of the disease.”