My friend’s in a relationship with a much

older man. They have a baby together. I’ve

known her for three years, and only recently met her husband.

Recently, the couple have been fighting and she’s confided that he says she doesn’t know how to talk to people, especially when she’s upset.

However, she believes that he doesn’t really communicate with her.

Recently, she said she regrets not having had an abortion.
She thinks that her husband won’t see a marriage counsellor or therapist (for BOTH of them).

This saddens me, but I don’t know what more I can do for her.  I don’t want to intrude.

Worried friend

Do what you’re already doing, which is being a good listener and supportive friend.

By doing so, you pick up clues that are significant... e.g., when a woman with a young baby says she wishes she had an “abortion,” there’s a likelihood she’s suffering post-partum depression.

Suggest that she see her own doctor, as it’s unhealthy for her and the baby to be feeling that way.

Make sure that you don’t blame her or her husband for those feelings, so that she doesn’t feel judged.

Just say that it’s common for a new mother, undergoing hormone changes, to have low energy and even low spirits, and her doctor can help with that.

If she goes, but still relates relationship problems, then suggest that it’ll be helpful even if she goes alone to see a counsellor.

She’ll get a professional view of what’s going on in her marriage and whether changes in her reaction to him can improve their current dynamic.

My spouse of three years and I have a child together, almost age two.

I’ve tried talking to my spouse about his behaviour, but he doesn't feel he’s selfish in any way.

We’re struggling financially.

When I come in to some extra money I think of things that we need or something that would be nice for us.

When he received a bonus from work, he spent it all on things for himself. I felt miserable.

He always tells me it's our money, our decisions. But he spent $4000 without even discussing it with me.

I've mentioned before about how we could use more time together and maybe go out sometimes, but he'd rather play video games.

I've said that when he spends money like that without talking to me about it, I feel hurt and neglected.

I feel like I'm on the verge of depression, yet constantly thinking about his feelings though he never considers mine.

Selfish Spouse

As in the previous question, the presence of a first child often brings out different issues between couples – and finances is a common one.

If your spouse is truly selfish, you would’ve seen signs of this beforehand. Perhaps you didn’t “get” it. Perhaps his video interest didn’t keep you from going out before the baby arrived.

But now his self-indulgence with money and video-gaming is affecting you more.

Speak up as an equal partner. It’s about both of you adapting to the new circumstances.

Create a list of things you need to buy as soon as there’s extra money, plus a list of “treats” you’d both like, including an occasional night out and a babysitter.

Be clear that any extra money from either of you, gets looked at with that list in mind.

If he resists, protect yourself. Fight depression, get counselling and financial advice, and tell him he’s risking your relationship.

I was recently “winked” at online by someone whose dating profile was hard to understand.

I realized that there was either a language or education problem, because he could neither spell nor compose a full sentence.

I didn’t respond. I prefer to play smart and not try to figure anyone out online.

Selective

Some people aren’t as articulate as others. Also, some newcomers to the country may struggle with writing profiles.

But, if you were open-minded, you could’ve asked a few questions, especially if he otherwise seemed attractive or included some interesting details.

He probably could’ve answered specific questions, like where did he go to school, what work does he do, etc. and you would’ve had more sense of why his profile wasn’t clear.

Sometimes, you can miss out on someone who would’ve had appealing qualities and a fascinating history that’s better told if you felt safe to decide to meet in person.