A longtime friend hasn’t gotten along with her husband's family since a very long-ago incident with his brother.

Her husband frequently travels to visit them and doesn’t bring her or their children along. The family has also neglected her children.

He recently switched companies and must travel one week a month, to one particular city.

He was recently there when my friend received a flirtatious text from him, about her wearing a sexy "suit" in which he thought she looked good.

My friend doesn’t own any suits. Confused, she called him several times and asked about the message.

He said he was busy, he thought she’d looked nice that past weekend.

She confided to me that she’d looked a mess all weekend. He’s never sent her a flirtatious text message before.

She’s convinced he’s having an affair and is going crazy with worry and anger. She repeatedly calls and bombards him with messages demanding to know what’s going on.

I told her to wait until he’s home to question him.

How can I calm her down? They’ve been married for so long and, knowing him, I think she may be overreacting.

She’s been feeling very insecure about her relationship since he most recently visited his family.

Concerned Friend

It’s great she’s had you listening and caring, but step aside from “solving” what really happened.

You’ve given the right messages – a long marriage is worth not overreacting. Her general insecurity is affecting her, no matter his answers.

She’ll get further if she waits, lets her husband settle in, then talks to him about her feelings: 1) It makes her feel shaky about his loyalty/love when he excludes her from his family. 2) If something’s going on, or on the brink, they need to get some help to bond back together again.

Once you tell her this, again, back off. A struggling marriage can heal better if there aren’t private confidantes in the middle. Only a marital therapist should be there, to help both sides connect.

I’m mid-20's. My girlfriend of two months loves me and I love her.

She was initially my best friend and told me she’d dated a lot. She fears that telling me the number will scare me away.

Within one year as friends, she had two relationships and two "dating" partners. She also admitted to previous fwb/hook-ups. She said she hated who she used to be, and wanted to change.

Maybe she just had bad luck in relationships. I know it's none of my business whatever she’s done in the past.

But whenever I think about it, I get upset. I feel fwb/hook-ups are wrong, but I know these are only my values.

I tried thinking positive things whenever I feel like this, but my negativity always overwhelms it.

I’m also very insecure and feel she’ll cheat though she hasn’t given me any reason for suspicions.

She’s my third relationship and we’re also a long-distance couple. (We’ve seen each other and Skype every night).

How do I look past her past?

Negative Reactions

It’s hard to be secure in a relationship without real time doing things together, seeing each other’s behaviour in person.

Harder too, when you’re not that experienced.

Yes, her past isn’t your business, but her present IS, and it’s hard to know enough about her current values.

Go slow. Talk about the realities of when you can be together for a couple of weeks, in each other’s locale.

Once fully committed, having shared values is essential to a lasting relationship.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young woman who’s uninterested in her sister-in-law’s forthcoming baby (Sept. 26):
Reader – “From my pre-teens, I remember disliking children much younger than myself. Growing up, my generation (I'm 58) of women was expected to marry and bear children, no matter their own desires.

“My dating experiences confirmed my view that most guys wanted to "spread their seed," and that I’d have to have kids in order to keep a relationship.

“Family and friends criticized me for not "settling down.”

“At 33, I fell in love with a man who wanted just me ... no kids.

“After 25 years, he’s still my soul mate and love of my life.

“I fulfill my need to nurture through teaching, problem-solving, advocating, and trying to be the best friend and human I can be to my husband and others in my life.”

Ellie – No woman should have children if not wanting them.