I’m splitting from my wife of 12 years; we have a house together, and furnishings, which we’ll be dividing equally. We were living like roommates, despite sharing a bed. There was no affection, no teamwork.

I owned a business and took the financial risks; she worked part-time at an office and didn’t try to advance, knowing I was ambitious and would do everything to get ahead.

I worked long hours, took on extra work at home, did the grocery shopping, and cooking, and kept up the maintenance chores. I paid a far larger share of our bills, and for all renovations.

Last year, we went to counselling and both committed to making things work. It didn’t happen.

She expected me to still carry the relationship, yet made no changes herself. Sex disappeared again.

When I finally announced my need to separate, she went ballistic as if totally surprised.

She’s invented stories of my “desertion” to her family and our close friends, and threatens, if I claim any larger share of expenses, to expose my work at home “under the table,” which I hadn’t declared in my tax returns.

Why does a divorce have to be so bitter and nasty? We have no children, we married out of love, and it didn’t work out, though I know I tried my best.

Nasty End

Divorce, like marriage, is a public statement. It takes the personal out into the community, and many people feel like they’ve failed, or that others will think they failed. Some people “explain” what went wrong by badmouthing their spouse, shifting away any criticism of them.

Many other factors are at play – disappointment that turns to anger, fears of change, of being alone and of financial loss, lost confidence, lost comforts, etc.

Take the high road. Instead of trying to counter her claims, just shake your head sadly to indicate that things aren’t as they’re being told.

BUT, if she’s spreading slanderous rumors about you, talk to a lawyer about how to handle this, given her tax-related threats. It’s possible she’ll report you anonymously anyway, out of spite, and that’ll be a price you may have to pay, related to the non-reporting, not the divorce.

My husband’s a great guy, honest and down-to-earth, has a good sense of humour, but he’s often a terrible bore.

Conversations always turn into talking about him - his health usually, or his career, his opinion, or some episode in his life.

Recently we met a couple for the first time and he got onto his health, in great detail, for about 20 minutes, obviously making the others uncomfortable.
Many times I feel like telling him, "You've told me this before - at least 20 times," but I don't want to hurt his feelings.  How can I tell him, so he'll get the point but not be hurt?

Yawning Wife

You’re a loving wife for not having stopped him in mid-story-repeat, as so many spouses do. A man with a good sense of humour isn’t usually a “bore,” but he sounds consumed with his health and somewhat self-absorbed otherwise.

So do your caring best to raise the matter for his benefit. Explain that you find people looking bored with these personal details, and you hate them to miss out on his fun and interesting side. Suggest you both come up with a private signal – say, a cough from you, or a scratching of your ear. He can then say, “enough of that” and change the topic.

FEEDBACK Regarding the parent whose daughter was bullied (Jan. 1):

Reader – “My daughter has also been bullied, affected enough to question her self-worth. The heart-wrenching discussions attempting to reinstate her self-confidence were exasperating.

“My son, on the other hand, recognized a bully and stopped a “bully(s) in action” several times. He’d offer himself as the target. I became incensed on several occasions, when this happened at school, and his consequences were equal to the perpetrator(s). I always told him that I was proud of him despite the outcome.

“He never used physical force although he was definitely challenged to do so.

“So, I’ve experienced two aspects of this vicious spectrum and have no doubt that it’s the parents of bullies to blame, and schools come in at a close second.

“Ask yourselves as parents, and your relatives and your friends, if they’re witnessing puzzling behaviour from your child.”

Another Concerned Parent