I’ve been involved with a married woman I met four years ago at a company conference; she never hid ANYTHING about her relationship with her husband (including past “affairs” by both). I fell in love with her instantly - she’s beautiful, intelligent, a wonderful mother to her children. 

I was married and got dumped 20 years ago. With my lover, there’s always been the promise of an eventual divorce, and potential of being together, which has made the intervening loneliness tolerable. I can’t even phone her, lest a child answer and “report” to her insanely vindictive husband that some guy called. They’re still living together, at opposite ends of the same house.

I’m 45, have no children, no parents, no friends (except her). Before we met, my pattern was always to run... new countries, different continents. Some people say I’m being used, but I know she wouldn’t do that.

- The Other Man

You’re “using” each other, which is fair game if you both acknowledge it. 

It’s an escape from the dominant reality of your lives: She can still raise her kids with two parents, knowing you’ll be there waiting; you can “run away” mentally without resorting to the erratic pattern of the past.

Will you end up together? Ask yourself how many years you’re prepared to wait in limbo. Her waiting period is likely geared to her kids’ ages. If they’re still young… you get the point.

Consider this: Now that you know you’re capable of a loving commitment, and of settling into one locale, try extending that knowledge into your day-to-day life. Be open to meeting other women - without wariness, suspicions and fears.

If dating beckons, go forward. Either your married lover will recognize she has to make her move… or she won’t, and you can get on with your life.

My husband’s an aggressive driver who fails to slow down, even in snow and rain. His eyesight isn’t so good anymore. He’s had a few accidents - mostly fender benders and was difficult to insure for a while – still, he thinks he’s invincible. He blows through stop signs, drives too fast, makes constant unsafe lane changes. Arguments ensue.  

He states that if he drives any other way he’ll cause an accident. He’ll insist on driving the kids, ages 11 and 16, for family occasions so I must be another set of eyes to help keep them safe.

As it is, we rarely go out together since I cannot handle the car rides. Meanwhile, our eldest is a newly-licensed boy who hears from his father: Do as I say, not as I do.

My husband never admits he needs any help and he feels counselling is a waste of time.

- HOW DO I KEEP MY KIDS SAFE??

Though I normally dislike ultimatums, I have no problem if that’s what it takes to keep children safe. 

Here’s what your husband needs to be told: Either he takes a safe driving course AND talks to a therapist about his reckless behaviour on the road, or he buys a second family car for you and the kids and NEVER drives the children.

Currently, there are good deals on cars as the auto industry struggles. If this is still an impossible expense, arrange for lifts to family occasions, and don’t worry about embarrassing Hubby, in this case.

Also, send your son to a safe driving course and watch him closely when he’s at the wheel, until you’re sure he’s not picking up Daddy’s dangerous habit.

My boyfriend’s parents disapprove of our relationship, believing they should choose his wife (we’re culturally and religiously the same). He’s still planning marriage with me. But he’s upset that I’m facing their disapproval and wrath, though I feel I can handle it.

He feels so guilty I can’t snap him out of it. It’s like he’s forcing me to deal with something I’ve already sorted out.

- Mountains from Molehills

He’s in more conflict than he acknowledges. He’s transferred those feelings to “guilt” about YOU, because he doesn’t know how to deal with defying his parents. 

Suggest that he talk to a respected person in your community, preferably someone who has modern views within the culture. He needs to find ways to stay respectful with his family while pursuing his own choices. If possible, he should invite them to take part in your wedding plans, to help them feel involved and needed.