I tend to think of myself as a forgiving person, but I’m feeling that forgiveness isn’t deserved in the case of my mother-in-law.

She’s controlling and mean to my husband. He always forgives her, and thinks I should too.

When my husband told her I was pregnant with our first child, she got upset and cried. Kids had “ruined her life” and she didn't want the same for her son, she said. She doesn't believe in love and marriage either.

Now she wants to be a part of our son’s life. She supposedly “didn't mean” what she said and did, but it seems clear to me that she did. I know she’ll be in our child’s life because it’s important to my husband, but I have trouble not being bothered whenever she’s around.

We don't speak the same language, which means communicating is all through my husband. I worry about what she’ll say and teach my son because she’s such a negative and controlling person.

How do I begin to forgive her, accept her, and deal with her when I’m not sure that she should be forgiven?

Can’t Pretend

One of the tasks of parenthood is using your best judgment, for the child’s sake. It means accepting her presence, setting boundaries if her behavior or comments around children are worrisome, and rising above small annoyances (but not the biggies).

Be reassured that most children by the age of five or even younger sense a lot on their own…. such as, Grandma says weird things which make Mommy uncomfortable but she’s family so we put up with her.

You don’t need to be hung up about forgiveness. The fact that she now wants involvement means she can recognize that she’ll be the loser if she keeps expressing negative views. If you and your husband have to remind her of that, through time limits with your son, that’s her own doing.

However, don’t respond, as she would, as the controller. Discuss this with your husband and ask him to monitor his mom when she’s with the boy.

My ex-wife insisted we had to separate over some issues, though in other areas we were a good team.

Now she’s trying to keep me doing the things that worked for her – me still paying the household bills, repairing things, taking the car in for fixes, driving kids to activities even on HER weekend, etc.

She insists this is normal and good for the kids to see us still operating as parental partners, but it all seems one-sided to me.

Odd Couple

Yes, it’s one-sided for you to do the tasks that are only good for her. Partnership with joint parenting IS good for kids, but it doesn’t mean you do any and everything that she finds inconvenient to do on her weekend.

Speak up, and don’t be pushed around. Being separated is time to develop your own voice as an individual, while still being a good father.

I’m guessing that one of the marriage “issues” was you not saying what you really felt about stuff, and quietly resenting while she visibly controlled. This kind of dynamic doesn’t make for a happy environment and shows up in many other areas like intimacy.

One way to be “too busy” to do tasks on her weekend with the kids – except for emergencies of course – is to use that free time to get counselling and empower yourself for future relating, whether with her or anyone else.

FEEDBACK Regarding the student, 17, struggling to get ahead in her education due to poverty and responsibility for raising her younger brother (Nov. 5):

Reader – “She already has what’s needed to succeed. Anyone with the amount of character, spirit, and compassion she demonstrates, would be a victory in the Health Care field. The hard part will be arranging for her younger sibling’s care.

“A plan for her future education is required: A search for bursaries, awards, and scholarships. (In Canada: www.scholarshipscanada.com). She should reach out to the Guidance Counsellor at school and the principal.

“Find financial vehicles to guarantee financial support and stop accepting her birth dad’s lack of responsibility.

“He needs to be contacted and explained his legal obligations to her. If in Canada, contact Family Responsibility Office:  http://www.mcss.gov.on.ca/en/mcss/programs/familyResponsibility/index.aspx

Ellie – So many people were touched by this teenagers’ struggle that I’m publishing as many helpful ideas for her (and others like her) as possible.