After meeting one man who lied in his online profile - when we met, he was older, unfit – and another who was socially immature, my third date was a very handsome, successful, upfront guy.

We texted all week, and then quickly met. I was nervous and didn’t talk much. But later, he gave me a huge hug and kiss, saying he wanted to see me again.

The next night I found that he’d deleted me from his “faves” list, and wouldn't respond to my text. When I finally asked what happened, he politely said there was no spark.

So why even mention going out again?! I always wonder - was it me?

Bad Feeling

It was him. This guy has his own image and anticipated feelings about the person he’s looking for… just as you did.

He wasn’t prepared to be open to anyone that didn’t match up immediately.

Do NOT turn this into a rejection. He doesn’t know you, and wasn’t ready to invest the time to get to know you.

It’s a valuable lesson to all (including yourself) who go looking for a fixed list of must-haves online, and dismiss people you’ve only met briefly… often for somewhat superficial reasons.

Consider that others on those “first dates” are also too nervous to present themselves normally.

I’m 26 and my boyfriend of two and a half years said when we first met that he was sleeping with other girls and didn't want to commit to me fully.

I was fine with that, I’d just gotten out of a bad relationship and didn't want anything serious.

After two months, he claimed he didn't want anyone but me as his girlfriend. I reluctantly agreed.

Six months later I found Facebook messages between him and a female "friend.” They’d been sleeping together the whole time, pictures and videos of them proved it.

I confronted him about the messages, but not the pictures or videos I’d found by snooping. He denied everything. I continued with him, feeling maybe I hadn’t seemed fully committed myself.

Recently, he asked me to move in with him, adding that if I didn't then things would change. He said he wanted to marry me and have babies together.

I’ve tried to break up with him previously. But he’s said, "I moved to the city for you,” and "I'll have no one if you break up with me."

He accuses me of cheating. I can't visit family or my best friend without him getting suspicious. I’ve never cheated, though I’m certain he’s currently doing so.

I want to finally end things. I’m more confident now. But I fear I won't be strong enough to deflect all his bullshit. I've always been terrified of confrontation.

Want Change

Run, don’t walk, to a safe place from which to let him know it’s over – your parents’ place if possible, a shelter if necessary.

YES, he’s abusive. He’s controlling you emotionally, cheating, lying, and using guilt tactics to bully you into staying while he does as he pleases.

Moving in together would be dangerous for you, as getting away will become much harder. Getting pregnant by him would tighten his hold on you.

Once you’re out, inform him straight up – only in person if you’re not alone where he can bully you – that you saw the photos that proved his lie, and that you don’t want a future with him, period.

You’ve been vulnerable to bad relationships in the past, so you’d benefit from getting counselling to bolster the confidence you’ve gained.

We’ve been close friends with a couple who began as an affair. Both went through painful divorces and moved in together.

Eighteen months later, the man was cheating on the woman.

He ended that affair; they then had a child, now five.

Recently, he confided that they’re pursuing an “exciting” relationship with another woman. He’s already had sex with her. He said his partner wants this too.

Should we just stand back? Though adults are free to pursue their own relationships, there’s a young child to consider.
Concerned

Don’t remain his confidante, or you’ll eventually feel complicit. But maintain a supportive interest in the child.

State the concerns you have, over parents seeking outside “excitement” that involves health risks from multiple sex partners, and a waning interest in family life.

It appears this man’s convinced his wife (if true), and rushed into the liaison, so it’s likely they’ll end up parting.