My friend since high school and I get along and have a good time. However, it all changes when he drinks. I'm a social drinker; maybe have a beer once a week. But my friend binge drinks whenever we go to a bar until he can't control himself.

Because of this, he'd gotten himself (and people who were with him) into near-fights, embarrassments, and awkward situations. He can't be reasoned with in that mindset, but gets more aggravated and insulting to everyone.

Even though the next day he admits he "messed up," he's never learned the lesson and does exactly the same thing every time (he won't drink for a while after, then starts again - even when alone).

This pattern has gotten out of hand and I'm tired of trying to reason with him. Many times I told him not to drink, yet he'd still go ahead. I don't know how to break this pattern.

Frustrated

It's his drinking problem, and only he can resolve it... if and when he chooses. This may not happen until he's gotten even worse, with more frequent binges and unpleasant incidents.

Meanwhile, you have to decide the limits of your friendship. Since you can't control him, it may be time to say that you're not willing to hang out with a drunk who's ruining his health and reputation, as well as his relationship with most people including you.

However, you can add that you'd support any effort he'll make to acknowledge and deal with his addiction. He needs help - joining Alcoholics' Anonymous is an excellent start, for its fellowship, support group, and proven approach. You can help him find local meetings online.

I've had a weight issue all my life. I've joined many self- help groups and even had my stomach surgically altered to help me lose weight.

I find that when I begin to lose weight or get complimented, I resort to my old habits. Is it possible to be afraid of being thin? I'm almost 40, have a wedding in two years, and am interested in getting to the bottom of this self-inflicted punishment.

Concerned

You're already past the first step by recognizing a pattern and determining to tackle it from a fresh look. Yes, you may be afraid of success (and the pressure of staying "slim") or so afraid of failure that you go for it before it can grab you. Either way, these are deep-rooted insecurities that are worth tackling, for your self-esteem more than your weight.

The goal you need to want isn't to be "thin" - (by what standard? Runway models?) - but rather to be happy and confident with how you look at a healthy weight based on feeling fit and eating nutritiously.

Getting counselling about the reasons for your fears will be helpful. So will seeing a nutritionist about healthy eating as opposed to dieting.

FEEDBACK Regarding the 24-year-old virgin who wondered how to meet people who don't demand sex before marriage (June 15):

Reader - "I cannot imagine a woman representing perhaps 5% of able-bodied females her age, finding a man likewise abstaining from sex until marriage, and looking for a virgin bride! Does anyone else see the statistics and unrealistic expectations here?"

Middle-age Guy

Okay, Readers, this writer and I are both eager for your responses: How have any of you maintained or handled the wish to remain virgins before marriage? Or what was your response when dating someone who feels this way?

I want to marry my boyfriend, but my mother, who's old-fashioned and bitter, has been constantly pointing out his flaws, telling me to do better, predicting that I'll end up poor.

She accuses him of arguing with her when he's not, and refers to him only as HIM.

My boyfriend's fed up with how she treats him. I want both in my life without conflict between them.

I've tried telling both how this makes me feel but it always goes back the same, instigated by my mom. I've tried seeing her view, not wanting to let me go, but there seems to be more to it than that.

Forced to Choose?

Tell Mom she's making a bad choice, not you. IF you marry him, you'll eventually cut her off if she maintains this attitude. IF you don't marry the man you love, you'll resent her, and still cut her off.