I started dating a fellow co-worker two-and-a half years ago.

We hit it off right away, except for one thing. I noticed he was drinking 24-48 beers a week.

When confronted, he said he’d change and chooses me over the beer. Two years later, we’re still having the same argument. Last night he said, "I'm an alcoholic but I’m not getting help" and "maybe I’m not the one for you."

It’s like he's completely given up on us and doesn’t want to fight for this relationship.

I said I was concerned for his health and hate how annoying he gets when he drinks. A part of me still doesn’t want to give up on him.

I don’t know how to bring it up to him anymore because it never gets solved.

I'm tired of him hiding beers on me and lying about it... help!

Lost

He’s given up on you because he’s an alcoholic who’s in denial about what it’s doing to his life. He’s chosen drinking over you because he hasn’t hit bottom yet, though he surely will – e.g. lose you, lose his job, lose his health.

Do NOT be in denial yourself. You cannot change him; fighting will never resolve this issue.

YOU must make the next step, since he won’t. Start by attending support group meetings of Alanon, for friends and families dealing with alcoholics. Listen to the stories, and hear feedback on your own. It’ll help you decide if you still want to be part of his life.

If not, end it. If yes, take a break with no contact, unless and until he’s joined Alcoholics’ Anonymous or any other program to get sober, and stayed with it six months.

Unless you do that, there’s no chance he’ll change.

 

I believe I have a problem with alcohol. I drink consistently, a few drinks most nights. I look forward to that first glass of wine. It's my coping technique. Occasionally, I'll overindulge.

My husband feels that I drink an appropriate amount. He has one or two drinks nightly, and never gets "drunk." Wine has always been part of our lifestyle.

I've tried to stop drinking several times, but there's always wine in the house, so then I'm back up to two per night.

I need and want to stop drinking for my health, and I've asked my husband to not keep alcohol in the house. He can have it when he eats out, or when he visits family.

However, he doesn't agree. He feels I'm infringing on his rights by asking him to keep it out of the house.

Is this an impasse we're not going to be able to bridge?

Stymied 

It’s a tough one, because you must address what you believe is your own health issue.

Appeal to his compassion. You need his help to get over the first hurdle of giving up drinking. With determination, you can do this, but you need him to work out a plan with you. Perhaps, a one-month period only, where you develop other “coping techniques.”

Seeing a behaviour modification counselor can help you form other patterns during your key drinking periods. Later, you might develop other ways to replace the reliance on wine and not worry if it’s there – e.g. a fitness workout, long walk, home “spa” hour with some good reading and music, etc.

If he won’t help you at all, then counselling is crucial for you to decide what this means, and to keep your resolve.

I tried to be classy when exiting my five-year relationship. He’d cheated and stole money from me.
I just calmly said, I am done, and changed all my contacts.
Now, I don't know what to do with the anger I feel towards him.

I also wonder if he knows how badly he hurt me.

Still Fuming 

You’ve unwittingly turned some anger on yourself, because thinking about him isn’t healthy for you emotionally.

You did the right thing by ending contact abruptly.

Wondering what he knows and/or feels is dangerous. It keeps you connected in your mind to what he did, who he was, what you once felt, etc.

It also creates anger with yourself, e.g. how you could’ve missed the signs of his deceit.

Banish him from your mind. See friends and family with whom you feel comfortable and good about yourself.

Stay classy. It looks strong and smart on you.