My girl friend wants only one gift for Valentine’s Day... a ring. 

We’ve been together for seven years, living together for two. It’s the second time around for both and despite some issues it’s a solid relationship.

We both have grown children.

Why can’t we just enjoy life and not hassle with the church, the prenups, asset rights, etc.?

- Holding Off

There are TWO people in this relationship and her needs must carry as much weight as yours. 

She wants a fuller, more defined commitment. This isn’t only a romantic dream; it can avoid more serious hassles.

A legal marriage and clear prenup let’s everyone know what to expect when one spouse ultimately pre-deceases the other, or they split.

You can discuss and make arrangements regarding your adult children’s legacy – and your spouse’s rights - rather than leave it to chance and good or bad feelings.

By holding back, you cause her to question her equality in this relationship. If that’s your true perception, she’ll catch on soon enough.

After 20 years, I recently ran into my first love, never thinking I’d have feelings for him. 

He said he left his wife because he couldn’t stay, knowing how he feels for me.

I’m married and feel the same way, but it’s not that easy for me because there are children involved and much more. Yet I can’t see myself without him and don’t want to let him go.

I love him and I want to make him mine. What should I do?

- Torn

Take a cold shower and look in the mirror: the flattery of this sudden re-connection has you flushed and in fantasyland. 

Next, read my lips: he left his wife because their relationship fizzled. Had it been for you alone, he would’ve “run into you” long before this.

Now, cast clear eyes and thoughts on your children and all the other things that kept you in your marriage. Can you risk them all?

“Making him mine,” is a romantic line from your youthful past, not of the logic a woman with responsibilities needs to bring to such an important decision.

It’s 20 years later, neither of you are the same. Make no major moves until you’ve seen who and what he is today; then weigh your options.

I met him online; he soon revealed that he has a complicated illness. 

His mother died when he was 9, his father physically and verbally abused him.

He’s in debt, irresponsible with money, is inconsistent with his emotions and never does anything romantic, or sweet for me. He didn’t even call me for my birthday, and got argumentative when I asked him why.

When I’ve tried to break up, he begs and says he loves me... but his actions say otherwise.

He blames his illness and his background.

I feel like I have to carry his entire life plus my own. I feel guilty to end it (we still live in different countries).

Even though he’s now talking marriage, I’m thinking about the quality of life I’d have with him, though he says things would be different when we’re together.

- Emotionally Exhausted

Up close and personal, he’s likely to be even more guilt inducing. 

Unfortunately, he exhibits coldness, distance and blaming, rather than having learned better than what he experienced from his father.

It’s not your responsibility to make up for his past. That’s a manipulative thought he’s pushed on you.

Break off firmly and finally, and refuse a visit to change your mind.

We’ve communicated online for three years, spoken on the phone, now he wants to meet. 

However, I’m concerned that he’d been sexually abused as a child. He’s already hinted at some dysfunctional thinking about sex – possibly a very high sex drive.

I’m unsure I can handle that. It worries me that he never got help for the abuse.

Should I see if things work out, or just not meet him?

- On the Fence

Meeting personally takes you a giant step closer to confronting his past baggage and your problems with it. Talk some of this out on the phone first, and listen to his reactions. 

Disclose your concern about his having too high a sex drive for you and also, that you found his thinking on sex dysfunctional. Say you believe he needs counselling for past abuse.

If this conversation creates a divide on his part too, there’s no point in meeting.