My husband of 25 years is wrongly accusing me of cheating!
His close friend committed suicide after separating from his wife because he believed she was cheating. My husband’s twisted small things to believe I'm having an affair, e.g. if I don't answer the cell phone, or he can't make verbal or visual contact with me.
I'm madly in love with him but hurt and tired of being accused. He tells me to confess and then we'll see what happens.
He's always worked as a night transport driver. All our children are married with children.
He says I must’ve had, or am having, an affair. I've said that if he really believes that, then to leave me and stop emotionally torturing me with this nonsense.
He may be having his own emotional crisis for him, following his friend’s suicide.
Suggest that you two see someone who’ll probe whether you’re telling the truth (this’ll get him in the door), and the cause of his suspicions.
Tell the therapist of the friend’s suicide, with the accusations starting soon after. Both of you should get the help needed.
Meanwhile, until you see someone (SOON) try to keep up the contact he wants so badly – answer the cell phone, show your love when together.
Commentary – Regarding Controlling Relationships (Jan. 27):
Reader #1 – “My son, 20, is in a controlling relationship. He’s had many previous girlfriends and we never had any problems like we’ve endured with this one. We’ve been a close-knit family until now.
“My son’s a handsome, smart, young man with a bright future ahead, until he met her.
“Suddenly, he lost interest in College and has slowly distanced himself from his entire family.
“My husband and I tried to make her feel welcome, spent time with them both on several quiet occasions, took them out to dinner, hiking, movies, etc.
“For family gatherings, she’s always a no-show.
“Four months ago, our son got in his own car, gave me a kiss goodbye and said he’d see me later. He never came back home.
“We’ve had many sleepless nights wondering what we did wrong. I’ve asked him why he’s stayed away, but received no answer.
“He’s told me some very disturbing things about her. I’ve tried talking to her mother without success.
“He’s been living with her parents all this time, rent-free, though he’s keeping his job which he had since high school.
“His girlfriend hasn't even finished high school.
“I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even repeat what she’s said on Facebook.”
Ellie – Don’t give up, keep the door open, but without pressuring him to come back.
She has a hold on him, and has effectively isolated him from family and friends. But it’s highly possible he’ll eventually grow tired of this.
Perhaps your husband can drop by his job casually, and ask if he has time for a coffee just to say hello. If yes, he’s to make no heavy speeches, just connect with him. If he says no, he’s to not overreact.
If possible to text or email him, send a hello from time to time, with regards to her (no matter what she says on Facebook).
Also, send birthday cards to him and holiday occasion cards to both of them, mailed to his job.
He needs to know you’ll always be there for him, and hopefully recognize that your family offers the kind of caring that comes without controls.
Reader #2 - “My sister was always the controlling type when we were kids, nagging me about my bad handwriting, bathroom tissue use, etc.
“Worse now, she grabs the upper hand by making rude and humiliating comments followed by a pathetic little laugh.
“She organizes house parties to demonstrate her cosmetic products. My wife hosted one party and my sister spent the event ridiculing her on our décor, the snacks she served, etc.
“We’ve since avoided her as much as possible. My mom asked why we couldn’t get along. I asked what she’d do if someone always barked orders at her or made rude comments. “Avoid them,” was her answer.
“My sister even behaved that way at a fancy dinner to celebrate our parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. She totally ruined the one and only opportunity for such an event.
“I’ve intentionally not seen her in the four years since our mother died.”
Tip of the day:
When a traumatic event sparks an odd reaction, get help for the emotional effect on everyone.