I’m 27, he’s 32, and we’ve been together for four years. 

He has no enthusiasm when we speak, no passion towards me, and is a lazy lover.

It took him 16 months to have sex with me, after I had to seemingly beg him.

I’ve asked him if he’s gay, he said he’s not, and got furious. I’ve caught him looking at men, yet he insists that he’s not looking at them.

I believe I’m his “cover” and that he may be gay.

Recently, I proposed. He said “I’m not ready,” though he has an excellent career, and a condo.

I’m beginning to loathe the man I loved. And I’m heartbroken that he said he doesn’t know if he wants to marry me.

He swears that he’s not gay, but his actions prove otherwise.

- Looking for the answer

Whatever the cause, the signals he’s sending are clear about this: he’s not that into you – certainly not enough for you to try to get him to marry you. 

Whatever brought you together initially is no longer working, for either of you.

Stop hounding him about his sexuality, and end this painful relationship.

I recently caught my husband of 23 years emailing with his first love from high school. He said they were just catching up (not according to the emails that I read on classmates.com). He’d promised her he wouldn’t lose touch again. 

He said I blew it out of context, that it’s not like he was having an affair with her because she lives far away and is married.

He’s gone quiet.

I don’t feel like making an effort to be friends again. We’re empty nesters and had started to travel and do things together.

We’ve always been very respectful and good friends but maybe we ran our course.

- Hurt

Tell him he’s blowing off your feelings and that’s what’s so hurtful. 

He felt a need to reconnect with an old flame, and you want to know why. Yet his answer is likely to be no more suspicious than, “curiosity,” or “old times’ sake.” He probably had no thought ahead, that it could bother you so much.

Is this worth ending a long marriage? Consider it a “misstep” on his part, and tell him so. Then ask that he acknowledge that this was one time he was NOT respectful.

So long as he understands that further contact between them isn’t acceptable to you, you should start planning your next vacation and outings together again.

My first husband was physically, sexually and financially abusive. I remarried a lovely, thoughtful man, who’s treated my four children as his own.  

Previously, I discovered him using Internet porn in our bedroom while I slept. I was devastated. He went for counselling briefly, and said he’d stop the porn.

Recently, I caught him again. I can’t think about having sex or him touching me. He won’t talk about it, promise to quit, nor go to therapy. He’s only promised not to view porn in our home, I’m worried he’ll do it elsewhere and get caught (he works with children).

I don’t know how to go on, but I’m going for counselling.

- Twice Unlucky

You’re wise to explore, with professional help, the level of your commitment or antipathy to a flawed man who has many other positive values for you. 

With guidance, weigh your options – if you support him emotionally, he may want to change. If you can’t respect him or tolerate intimacy together, you may have to leave him.

I’m male, 24; my good friend owns a business and hired me, which I appreciate. However, I’d been having concerns about my career choice. 

When I expressed them, he got angry, said I haven’t put in a solid effort, and that he turned away people who wanted to my position.

One year later, I’m still unhappy. I want to leave, don’t want to ruin our friendship, but want to be happy in my field of work.

What do I do?

- Frustrated Friend

Talk to a career counsellor or someone in the field you like, but NOT to your boss. 

You erred in not understanding that as a business owner and employer, he’d react to someone leaving, with practical concerns.

Don’t quit your job too soon - first, get informed, find your career direction, and investigate the opportunities available. When certain, give your boss proper notice and ask to remain friends.