Me and this older guy have been messing around on and off for two years. Initially, both of us were “involved”. He always offered his help, always wanted my time, and was a gentleman. But I couldn’t give him the attention he desired, just a few hugs and kisses. 

Months later, we’d both broken up with our mates. I was excited that we could have what he’d wanted so badly. But he wasn’t the same guy - when we hooked up it was mostly a sexual thing.

Before, he smothered me with calls, roses, etc. Now the only way we talk is if I call him.

I’ve asked him about his “change” and he says he doesn’t know what I mean.

I’ve investigated and there’s no other woman (at least nothing serious). So why the change now that we’re both single?

I love him, but he doesn’t feel the same, though in the past he said he loves me and wants me to have his child.

- LOVE SICK

“Messing around” is what excites him, not the real thing. 

He’s Mr. Gotta-Get, rather than a man who wants to give his love and loyalty to a woman who’s available for him. His type is recognizable among men and women alike – they put their energies and passion into the chase, but fade out once there’s no longer another person in the way, so they can win.

Hopefully you won’t make the same mistake again, when you start dating others.

Oh yes, you should dump this guy. You’ve had the best of him and now will only get more of what you now don’t enjoy - which is his uncommitted, uncommunicative self.

I’m 20, a university student, and towards the end of school last year, a female friend broke up with her long-time boyfriend. We became intimate right away, and confessed we’d both had crushes but hadn’t done shown our feelings as she’d been committed to her boyfriend. 

I realized this was likely a rebound for her. But we kept in touch while apart over the summer.

We planned to spend more time together once back at school, and see where the romance goes. However, she’s still friends with her ex and they talk occasionally.

The thought of her spending time with her past, serious love makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to be too possessive when we’re just starting out, but I want to know how best to speak to her about this so we can both be comfortable. I wouldn’t ask her to sever contact entirely.

What are reasonable boundaries or compromises that I could suggest?

- Lost in Kingston

Too needy, too soon. Do NOT make any demands. If she only has very infrequent contact with her ex, you can admit it makes you somewhat uncomfortable, but accept it once you’re reassured there’s nothing going on. 

If she wants to be friends with her ex while dating you, she should include you when they get together in person, making it clear that you’re her boyfriend now.

But if she sees a lot of this ex, alone, have The Talk. It shouldn’t be about you setting boundaries for her; rather, it’s about whether you’re a couple and showing sensitivity to each other’s feelings.

The “reasonable compromise” on contentious issues is one in which you both gain enough (in this case, mutual understanding) to not mind losing a little (e.g. knowing they still have some contact).

For three months, I enjoyed the most healthy dating I’ve ever known - he respected me, introduced me to friends, took me places. But when I asked to be his girlfriend, he said he isn’t looking for a relationship. That hurt. 

He doesn’t call; he backs off. I know he still considers me a special friend. He isn’t looking for or sleeping with other women, he just hangs out with friends.

What should I do?

- Confused In Philadelphia

Do nothing regarding him. But do something for yourself – expect to be treated with respect. 

Apparently, you’re used to accepting “unhealthy” dating, not going anywhere, not introduced to friends…. which leaves just having sex and hanging out, and feeling un-respected. This guy showed you what a relationship should look like.

Now, you should respect his feelings – he doesn’t want anything serious – but learn from his example to never settle for less.