I’m male, 20, and after my girlfriend of two years (we were both first “everything” with each other) broke up with me, I felt empty. 

I knew she still loved me. The first time we saw each other at a party, our chemistry kicked in and we ended up giving it another shot. Then, she started to fade away, and ended up saying I’m not what she wants.

Two weeks later, we were back after seeing each other again. We were communicating better, and she even spoke the L word, which made me so happy. Then we got into a big fight. I didn’t respond to her phone calls that night.

Now, she’s saying she wants me to be just a friend, and doesn’t want to lose me, when only last week the romantic side was still there.

I don’t want to move on since I know she’s the girl for me. How should I handle this situation?

- Up and Down

Give her what she thinks she wants, and also probably needs – a break from this relationship. You got together so young, it’s natural for one or both of you to feel, at some point, that you haven’t experienced dating, or being single. 

If you’re to eventually have a stable, lasting relationship, it’s better to get any restlessness out of the way, sooner than later. You don’t have to “move on” by finding another serious partner. A break can be a time to reflect, soul-search, and meet other people through friendships and casual dating.

Allow about six months before thinking and talking about re-connecting. But do NOT keep seeking or permitting these periodic emotional roller-coaster rides. They confuse you both, and can result in a harsher, more definitive break-up.

Our marriage went downhill after our baby’s birth; my husband didn’t want anything to do with me, wouldn’t even touch me. I went away to be with my father. 

Due to my doubts about my husband, I broke into his email and found one to another woman, saying “he thanks God for their special friendship and it was very special being with her last night… and looking forward to seeing her later.”

I returned home sooner. He claims they’re just friends. But I discovered he was spending hundreds on cell phone calls to her.

He refused to end their communication.

We’re currently in counselling but he won’t discuss the emails or phone calls.

I’m now refusing to talk with him until he comes to me to discuss the issue.

I’m thinking about going to a lawyer as I want to have a divorce.

- Fed Up

The lawyer should be your last visit, not your next; it’s the counselling that needs to continue. 

Your silence is closing off the opportunity to know why your husband became distant, why he reached out to this woman, and what really happened between them.

Some men have a psychological block about resuming intimacy with their child’s mother. (It can be treated and resolved with the help of an experienced therapist).

Your husband needs to use the counselling to air out his feelings, too, and not just be assailed by you.

Encourage some individual counselling sessions as well as joint ones.

Legal advice is worth getting so that you know what to expect in a divorce, for yourself and your child. But don’t rush ahead until you have a better understanding of this whole situation.

After her divorce, my mother continually rushed into relationships. She’s excited by the romance and newness, but everyone sees that this latest relationship is doomed. The man has nothing that she’s said she’s wanted in a partner. 

Her family and friends have pointed this out, but to no avail.

As her grown daughter, I can’t say anything, but I feel agitated whenever he’s around or she wants to talk about him.

- Disturbed

Ask the questions that get her analyzing the relationship, instead of you. “What is it you like about him; how does he fulfill your needs; what things don’t you like and how do you think you’ll adapt to these?” 

Since she wants to talk about him, help her explore the realities as well as the romance. If she wants your opinion, don’t be negative, just note the gaps between them and ask how she feels about these potential problems.