We broke up three months ago, after dating over four years, but when I called to talk about it, she refused.  

We’d broken up previously but always got back together once we discussed our problems.

I’m having a hard time getting over her, though my friends keep trying to help. Are there any tips?

I miss her and can’t stop dwelling on it, as I believed she’s the perfect girl for me. We had our differences but I thought we could work past them.

- Hurting

It can take more months to grieve a break-up, if you let it, since it’s not just about “missing” the person; it’s about feeling rejected. 

But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll recognize that this was coming for a long time, you’ve both done a lot of “talking about it,” in the past, and she doesn’t want to repeat that pattern.

So it’s NOT rejection, it’s a natural conclusion that came about because, though you both care for each other, you’re not able to work out a relationship that grows and thrives over time.

My “tip” is to face this reality, stop wallowing in the past and what might’ve been, learn the lessons of why it didn’t work over time, and start getting out with your friends for diversion and fun.

We got engaged December 2006 after four years of dating; he wants a destination wedding to a resort, with some kind of extreme sport involved. I want a traditional wedding at home overlooking a lake. We compromised on a wedding at home followed by a wild extreme honeymoon.  

Now three months before the wedding he says he’s dreading our wedding day because it isn't “us” and is nothing he wanted his wedding to be. But he loves me and wants to be with me forever.

I’ve told him we can cancel it and find a compromise but he doesn’t seem interested.

I really wouldn’t be happy with an “away” wedding.

I’m afraid I'll compromise too far to make him happy and I’ll end up unhappy. Yes we’ve put a deposit on a venue and band already.

- Pressured

He’s being unfair since this is the compromise you both agreed on, and you each get some of what you wanted. So, there’s more to his “dread.” 

He may be a guy who hates being in the limelight except on his own terms (e.g. excelling at some sport). He may be terrified of making a speech, or of being socially correct before a large group of people. Find out what’s really bothering him, and try to ease that part of the wedding plan, e.g. you both “share” any speech you feel is in order, or you do the talking, if he prefers; or lighten up the format, which is perfectly appropriate for an outdoor ceremony.

But if nothing pleases him but having his own way, think very hard before you change things to please him. Or you may just be doing that far too often in the future. Better to delay the wedding (sorry) and learn how to truly compromise first, since married life has many challenges on which couples have to each give up something in order to work out mutually acceptable solutions that work.

I ignored Valentine’s Day (too commercial), now my girlfriend’s ticked off. What can I do?

- Unromantic

Be romantic. Call or text to say, “I love you,“ during her day, buy flowers, plan an unexpected date. And be sincere.

I’m a college student living with my sister and her husband; over recent months I’ve found porn on my computer. I allow the household members to use the computer, including my brother-in-law. 

Initially, I ignored the porn, thinking it was clicked on by accident, but I found more porn and it disturbs me to be exposed to trash.

I left a note by the computer: “Don't look at porn on my computer!”

I’m afraid my sister will be angry with me.

- Was I Right?

You have every right to take steps to avoid being exposed to what you find offensive. If your sister objects, tell her you’re not accusing anyone; if she suspects her husband, it’s for them to discuss, and leave you out of it. 

Or, if they both watch porn together, you’d like them to get their own means of doing so, assuring it doesn’t appear on your computer.