After dating for two months, we recently engaged in sexual activities and it turned out that she was a he. 

I was confused and distraught - the woman I came to love as my companion wasn’t a woman. I feel betrayed and deceived.

His/her excuse was that if they told me, we wouldn’t have built such a great relationship. They do have a point but this is someone I was thinking about marrying.

Should I break it off or try to forgive him/her and move on?

If I love them, I guess I too can engage in different kinds of sexual activities, right?

- Confused

Dear Readers: For the sake of those who may truly have encountered this problem (it’s not common but is certainly out there as a possibility) I’m going to assume this question is real… though many people will doubt it:

There is no “They.” You’re talking about one person… someone whose admitted gender is that of a male. If he’s sincere about his feelings, he’s hoping you can have a relationship. 

Now you have to consider very carefully what you can live with, not only in your concept of love, sex and companionship, but in how you’ll be affected by reactions of any family and friends who may disapprove. Be sure that you are not experimenting or trifling with his feelings just to try something “different” for a while.

Think also about whether you can accept his deception, based on his reasons for it, and not hold a grudge or distrust him for it.

The decision is yours.

I’m in my early-40s, work full-time, married for 20 years, with a teenage child; my husband is attentive, appreciative and everything I thought I’d never have in a partner.  

My childhood was difficult (alcoholic father and bible-thumping mother).

I was engaged to someone else in a long-distance relationship that was emotionally destructive.

I ended it to be with my husband, purely for survival - falling in love came later, and we married.

My split with my ex was by letter, while I still loved him.

Thanks to computers and search engines, I came across him (done as a lark). He’s married, with kids etc.

I never got the chance to explain my actions; I know I hurt him deeply.

It’ll hurt my husband if I contact/talk to this person. Yet, I want to explain myself to the “ex.”

I feel I have a chance to “fix” how he thinks/feels about me and set the record straight (regrets).

Am I crazy? Am I still in love with him?

What are the odds of it making things better or worse?

Am I having a mid-life crisis? Until this, I was very happy with my life.

- Torn

Turn off your computer, you’re playing with fire. This is a foolish move. 

After 20 years, you can safely assume he doesn’t think/feel about you at all. Your split may’ve done him a huge favour: maybe he’s moved on to the woman of his true dreams, or whatever, it has nothing to do with you.

IF you’re feeling obsessed with this, you may indeed be experiencing some mid-life changes, and, as often happens with deep childhood wounds, the insecurities from your past could be re-surfacing. If so, seek counselling, not trouble.

And contacting an ex IS trouble, since it’s a hurtful thing to do to your husband and can disrupt, disturb and even destroy your relationship with him.

I’ve been dating him for one week. He can be a little aggressive and too forward, but it’s so sexy. 

But he’s moving way too fast for me… he says I should go with what I feel, don’t think, just do it!

He said he loved me and I said I really liked him. I know he really wants to hear me tell him that I feel the same.

What should I do?

- Complicated Lover

Stop the rush even if it means no contact for a while, then insist on a slowdown to both the dating and his pressure for sex. 

He’s using the oldest, self-serving line – “don’t think, just do” – which translates to his promoting your thoughtless behaviour.

Real feelings build; his are exploding with neediness and sexual urgency. That’s not love, it’s getting his way no matter how you feel.

Proceed with caution… and if the pressure persists, walk away fast.