My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I love him dearly and he’s a total hunk. We constantly have the same few fights. Towards the end of every argument I always have the feeling that I want to reconcile and let things blow over. Do I want to stay because I truly want to be with him or do I just want to be in a relationship?

Seeking Security?

You show insight on why you’re there, but not on whom you’re there with. Those “same few fights” are the barrier to your certainty whether you truly want to be with him, or just love “a hunk.”

List the fight topics – Money? Sex? Porn? Other women? Controls on you? All common conflict areas, but unless you stop caving and both agree to compromises and solutions - this relationship will be more and more dissatisfying. You’re already having doubts.

I’m a man, late-60s, retired. The problem is my wife of 22 years.

Since hitting the menopause stage, she’s 100% changed – always critical, unforgiving, wants everything in place.

I’m accused of looking at every woman. She never thanks me for anything I do for her or the house, starts fights for nothing. We don’t have money problems; I don’t smoke, drink, or fool around.

Ten years ago on a beach with her, I looked, as did everyone else, at a stunning girl parading around in a bikini.

It was the last vacation together. Ever since, she even goes to family functions alone.

Her swinging moods are killing me. How can I reach her as the nice person I knew 22 years ago?

Losing Patience

I’m always struck when a longtime partner says “the problem is my (wife or husband).” It almost always begins a story of changes in circumstances or health matters, which haven’t been faced as a team.

She’s having a hard menopause. Yes, the mood swings, anxieties, insecurities, tensions, are hard to take… for HER too!

Talk to her about your concerns for her, and for your mutual comfort through the years ahead. Life isn’t happy for her either, so stop the “poor me” approach.

She’s being walloped internally by strong hormonal reactions. Suggest that you see a physician hormone specialist to learn more about what’s happening to her, what’s possible to adjust, and how to both live with whatever can’t be altered.

Example: She may be agitated about things in place because the housework is too much for her. With no money problems, hire a housecleaner weekly, so she can relax more at home.

You’re retired with free time, so start an exercise program – even just regular walking – and ask her to join you.

However, do NOT show attention to young women in their fitness tights, shorts, etc. She has enough insecurity about the process going on inside her, without you emphasizing the beauty of youth.

Here’s the straight goods on long-term relationships: Both men and women go through changes, inside and out. Both people’s bodies succumb to gravity, show middle-age spread, experience hormone and other health effects like arthritic pain, allergies, etc. Everyone has to adjust to something - men and women alike.

Exercise and a healthy diet help, there are alternative remedies for some things, medications for others, and behaviour modifications worthwhile. You need to meet these challenges personally, with a positive attitude, the best you can.

And you need to show your life partner compassion and support to help him or her meet their challenges.

I used to talk to a guy friend every day either by email, phone, or messenger. We weren’t romantic, just got along well.

One day he stopped answering my emails or calls, though we’d never argued.

He deleted me from his FB, as did his brother. I asked whether I offended him in any way but have been ignored.

This was a year ago. But it still bugs me.

Need Insight

You may never know why, because the possibilities are limitless… e.g. he doesn’t know why himself, just got tired of being so involved with one person. Or, he had feelings for you but you showed no similar interest so he needed to end the close connection.

No matter the true answer, it’s over. It’s not a rejection, because you did nothing wrong. He’s not the same person you thought you knew because that guy would’ve told you what’s wrong. So there’s no one to miss.