My boyfriend loves to be generous. Whenever we go to someone’s house for a party or dinner, he always arrives with a bottle of something. I was also taught to never arrive empty-handed, and I often bring flowers or dessert. But his bottle is usually VERY expensive.

And when we go out for dinner with friends, even if it’s just for fun and not celebrating someone or something, he’ll often buy a round of drinks or even pay for the entire meal. As I say, it’s kind and generous, but –

He doesn’t make that kind of money. He doesn’t have that kind of money to throw around. He’s not a million-dollar baseball player or TikTokker. He has a mid-paying job and to be honest, I was hoping we could start saving, maybe think about moving in together, getting married, etc.

How can I get him to see that throwing his money around like that isn’t becoming and won’t be fruitful for his, and our future?

Money bags

Talk to him. Ask him why he feels the need to be so overly generous. Does he feel he needs to “keep up with the Jones’?” Or does it increase his self-worth?

You may not have been quite ready to have the conversation, but it’s probably time for you to discuss your relationship future, and what that looks like. Maybe he needs to hear it, to understand that saving money will benefit both of you in the long run.

If this is simply a part of his personality, and you don’t agree with it, or find it attractive, this relationship may have met its final bill.

At Easter, my husband and my sister-in-law had a huge blowout. My husband felt that her two daughters were being too rambunctious, which escalated into an argument about parenting. Harsh words were exchanged, not sure verbatim but something along the lines of “parent your kids” (said by my husband) and “you don't know what it's like because you don't have kids” (said by sister-in-law), as per my husband (I wasn’t there because I had work).

My husband stormed out, leaving a room full of family and two confused little girls wondering if they had done something wrong.

Since then, family milestones and gatherings have passed, but my husband has refused to attend. I’ve tried to talk to him about making amends, but he shuts me down, telling me to stop bringing it up. I feel caught in the middle — I want peace and harmony in the family, but he won’t budge.

Meanwhile, the distance only grows, and I worry about the lasting impact on relationships, especially for the girls. Also important to note, my sister-in-law has reached out citing that her kids miss their uncle, and to please maintain the relationship with them, but to no avail.

What should I do when I can’t get through to him?

Torn in the middle

Your husband is being stubborn to the point of no return. As his sister clearly points out, he should be maintaining a relationship with his nieces. To not do so is to punish them unnecessarily.

I believe an intervention is necessary here. Could your BIL get involved? Your in-laws? Someone needs to shake him out of his stubborn stupor. He’s only hurting himself and the two innocent little girls caught in the middle.

Meanwhile, YOU need to step up your SIL and auntie game. Start by going over there for coffee, bring the girls little gifts; offer to take them to the movies or just out for lunch; attend all family gatherings. If your husband doesn’t want to come, that’s his prerogative and his loss, but you can still enjoy the family you married into.

FEEDBACK Regarding financial growth (Aug. 29):

Reader – “Mid-20s with a good job?  S(he) needs to be doing more than buying flowers every week. With all university costs covered and now expected to pay nothing towards supporting themself, this individual clearly hasn’t learned much about the real world.  They should be preparing for an independent future by banking market rent to cover at least a one-bedroom apartment; paying the hydro bill in their parents’ home; cooking once or twice a week; and doing a few hours of housework.

“Banking that money and paying that utility, will give them some idea of what things cost. And getting into the habit of cooking and cleaning is a better skill for people starting out in life than imagining they can just afford to hire people for those tasks.”

Reader #2 – “This 20-ish year old should grow up and think about living on their own. Move out and show you’re maturing.”