I'm married for 10 years to a wonderful man and have two great kids; we're happy except for the problems with my husband's mother.
I'm going over the deep end, putting up with her constant bragging about everything my husband's sisters are doing. She tells me what they bought, their vacation plans, how smart their children are, etc.
My husband once told her that I was feeling down and the next day she called to tell me that her daughter was going on a cruise and needed to buy a gown for the formal dinners on the ship. That was the last straw that broke the camel's back.
Do I show bad character because I don't want to hear all the great things my husband's sisters are doing?
I'm not close to them and really don't care what they do.
- Ready to Burst
I think you DO care about the following: 1)Your mother-in-law doesn't appear to be expressing pride or much interest in how you, your husband and children are doing; 2)Your husband takes a passive role in letting his mother brag on in a way he knows annoys you.
To me, you’re showing frustration and hurt, not bad character.
It's time your husband stepped up to the plate as head of his family and told his mother that her one-sided boasting is offensive to him as well as you. He can add how welcome her pride in her children and grandchildren would be, if it included him, you, and your children, too.
If she can't convey those generous feelings, then her comments and comparisons are NOT welcome and you'll both be refusing to listen from now on, by changing the subject.
All my life, I've had to pretend to be something that I'm not: A heterosexual.
Constantly forced into heavily male environments, I find myself forever on guard, pretending to be straight.
Ellie, I'm tired of the drama of it all.
I desperately want to come out at work and at school, to free myself from this emotional prison, but I'm afraid of being ridiculed.
What should I do? Save me.
- Boxed In
You can save yourself from the drama of pretending, when you're ready. Fear of ridicule indicates you haven't yet developed the confidence and self-esteem to reveal this part of your personal life, to a wide audience.
Find one trusted person you can to talk to, such as your own parent, a guidance counsellor or other close adult, and come out on a one-to-one basis.
If you have no one you can turn to, contact a local gay help line (listed in the Yellow Pages) or a chapter of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), where you'll find an accepting mom or dad who'll both listen and talk to you.
One book I find helpful is Eric Marcus' Is It A Choice? which answers frequently asked questions about homosexuality and can help prepare you for other people's reactions, and questions.
I'm a 30-something single woman dating a man exclusively for five months, but unhappy that he rarely pays for me when we go out.
It's rude for a man to ask a woman out and not even offer to foot the bill. He's responded that he believes in going Dutch, and has always done this.
He was surprised that I, or any modern woman, would feel this way. I'm not looking for a free ride (or we wouldn't have lasted) but I'm particularly disturbed because he's aware that his salary is far higher than mine.
- Disturbed Dutch Girl
Whatever happened to reason and compromise?
Going Dutch is perfectly appropriate when couples are starting the dating process.
However, once you're exclusive companions, you need to discuss budget and variances in what you each can afford for entertainment. Based on this, for example, if he pays for a dinner out, you cook for him next time.
If he treats you to a pricey concert, you treat him to a movie.
If neither of you find a middle ground in handling finances together, your relationship is doomed.
Tip of the day:
In-law problems can't get resolved if the person who's upset has a spouse who stays detached.